Parshas Vayeira – Shalom Bayis
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Parshas Vayeira – Shalom Bayis
The Pasuk, 18:12 tells that Sarah laughed when she heard the angel inform Avrohom that they would have a child, exclaiming that her husband was old. In the next pasuk when Hashem approached Avrohom, He reported that Sarah laughed when hearing the news but altered it by reporting that she had laughed because she was the one who was old.
The Gemara, Bava Metzia 87a remarks that we learn from here how paramount it is for there to always be peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s home, as even G-d Almighty altered the truth for the sake of shalom bayis between husband and wife. Although Sarah laughed at the report that she would have a child because Avrohom was old, Hashem had changed the story and told Avrohom that she had laughed because she was the one who was old. This was done to prevent him from harboring any thoughts of anger towards his wife.
The Gemara,Yevamos 65b takes this even further stating that it is not only permissible but it is a mitzvah to alter the truth for the sake of peace. Additionally, this is true not only for the sake of peace between husband and wife but for the sake of peace amongst other people as well. This Gemara is also cited in the Rosh and in the Rif, which would seem to indicate that this has Halachic implications.
We find similarly in the Gemara,Succah 53b that for the sake of making peace between a man and his wife Hashem gave us the parsha of sotah in which His own name would be erased for this purpose. This is perhaps the sole instance ever where we find that there is a mitzvah to erase the name of G-d, for the sake of shalom bayis.
Furthermore, the Gemara, Gittin 6b harshly condemns one who instills excessive fear (aimah yesaira) into the hearts of his family members. Furthermore, it lays the blame for the incident with the pilegesh bigivah, which lead to the murder of tens of thousands of Jews, at the original lack of shalom bayis in her home, and at the excessive fear that the husband of the pilegesh bigivah had instilled into her. The fact that the pilegesh bigivah had excessive fear for her husband was what offset the whole incident. We learn from the pilegesh bigivah that a tone of aimah yesaira in the home can subsequently lead to the three terrible sins of murder, adultery, and the desecration of Shabbos.
Another instance in this Parsha where we see the importance of shalom bayis is when the angels sat down to eat with Avrohom. They asked him where his wife Sarah is, to which he replied that she is in the tent.
Rashi cites the Gemara,Bava Metzia 87a which gives two reasons for why the angels asked Avrohom about Sarah, both of which relate to shalom bayis:
- In order to further endear her to him that she was a tzenua who remained in the tent.
- In order to send her the kos shel bracha.
The Klai Yakar expounds upon the first reason that certainly Avrohom knew very well that Sarah was a tzenua. The reason why this needed reinforcement now was because Avrohom was the sole recipient of the good tidings that he was to bear a child that year. However, Sarah was not informed directly of this. Thus, the angel was fearful that this might c’v lend credence to the false notion that something amiss in Sarah was the cause for why they had not had children for so long. This might lead Avrohom to blame Sarah for their infertility. Therefore, before the angel informed Avrohom of the good news that he would bear a child, he first reminded Avrohom that Sarah was a tzenua who was in the tent and deserved to bear a child as well. This would dispel any notion to the contrary. He also cites that we learn from Tamar that a woman who is tzenua is zoche to bear children who will become leaders. Similarly, the tzenius of Sarah is what made her deserving of bearing a child and becoming the matriarch of the Jewish nation. It was in the combined merits of the hachnasas orchim of Avrohom and the tzenius of Sarah that they were zocheh to miraculously bear a child after they were already considerably past their prime.
In regards to the second reason offered for why the angel asked where Sarah was, in order to send her the kos shel bracha:
The Gemara, Bava Metzia 59a relates, “One should always be diligent with the respect he displays towards his wife, since blessing only comes into one’s home because of his wife. This is learned out from the Pasuk (12:16) which states, “And Avrohom became wealthy because of her.” We learn from here that one’s wife is the channel through which blessing and wealth come into one’s house. Based on this, Rava would advise the townspeople of Mechuza to respect their wives in order that they should become wealthy.”
The question arises: Where do we find that Avrohom was so diligent with the honor he showed toward his wife, making him deserving of becoming so wealthy?
Perhaps an example of this can be found in Lech Lecha, 12:8 where it states, “Vayeit Ohalo - And he pitched his tent.” Rashi notes that ahalo is normally spelled with a vuv but here it is spelled with a hai. This is in order to hint that throughout all of the travels of Avrohom he always first pitched his wife’s tent and only afterwards pitched his own tent. This is why ohalo is spelled with a hai.
The Sifsai Chachomim adds that Avrohom accorded this precedence to his wife in fulfillment of the Gemara, Yevamos 62b that one is obligated to honor his wife more than he does for himself (yoser migufo.) This is how Rashi knew for certain that Avrohom pitched his wife’s tent first.
Continuing with the kos shel bracha, the Gemara, Brachos 51b rules that one should always share the kos shel bracha of birkas hamazon with his wife so that she should be blessed, and that the house should be blessed. (The Gemara warns that this is not to be taken lightly. There was once an incident in which the great Amora Ulla did not share the kos shel bracha with his wife Yalta. She then got upset about this and in her fury broke 400 barrels of wine.)
This is also brought lehalacha in Shulchan Aruch (O:C 183:4) that one should share the kos shel bracha with his wife, and that she should drink from it. The Mishna Berura (s.k.19) adds that this applies even if one’s wife was not at the meal, he should still share with her the kos shel bracha. The Maharshal notes that this halacha is derived from this week’s Parsha; The angel wanted to send the kos shel bracha to Sarah even though she did not dine together with them. The Shaar Hatziyon (s.k. 19) adds that this applies even to one who is a guest at someone else’s house that he should give the kos shel bracha to the bal habayis to share with his wife.
The Toras Chayim (Bava Metzia 59a) adds that we can better understand the halacha that one should share the kos shel bracha with one’s wife based on the Gemara,Yevamos 62b which states “ Kol odom she’ain lo isha sharuy bilo bracha - Anyone who lives without a wife lives without blessing.” This is why one should share the kos shel bracha with his wife, since she is the vessel for bringing bracha into the home. One who makes birkas hamazon on a kos brings down an abundance of blessing. Thus, when one shares the kos shel bracha with his wife, and because bracha only comes into the house through her, not only does she get blessed but the whole house receives an abundance of blessing.
A Guten Shabbos!
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This week’s edition is dedicated as a zechus for Shira Yaffa bas Rochel Miriam, Ezriel Pinchos ben Shira Yaffa, Aliza Faygil bas Shira Yaffa, and Shlomo Yakir ben Shira Yaffa. May they be zoche to a yeshua bekarov. Amen.
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Written by: Binyomin Radner – benradner@gmail.com
Categories: Bereishis, Chumash, Hashkafah, Inspiration, Parshas Vayeira, Shidduchim and Marriage
