The Power of Influence: Introduction 4 – The Eishes Chayil Style
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- Appreciation and Motivation: Introduction 1 – The Aishes Chayil Style
- Her Identity: Introduction 2 – The Aishes Chayil Style
- The Woman’s Secret to Success: Introduction 3 – The Aishes Chayil Style
- The Power of Influence: Introduction 4 – The Eishes Chayil Style
When beginning this series, I received advice from numerous people about certain quotes from Chazal relating to women and marriage that I should be cautious in presenting. The following one is vital, yet easily misunderstood, so please read this article in its entirety to ensure proper clarity.
Chazal (Tannah D’Bey Eliyahu Rabbah 10:5) define the Aishes Chayil as: “אשה כשירה העושה רצון בעלה, a proper woman follows her husband’s will.” Before the feminists and egalitarians shout, please continue reading! This is one translation of the phrase and it is in fact not entirely correct. This translation does have its application and really applies to the husband as well (as we shall see).
The context in which it is brought down seems odd. The Midrash finished saying how Devorah, the prophetess, told her husband, Barak, that Hashem wanted him to fight the Jewish enemies. He replied that if she accompanied him, he would go and this is what happened. When they were victorious, Devorah sang her famous song together with Barak. The Midrash concludes that the victory came about in the merit of Devorah who was a proper woman that was “עושה רצון בעלה”. What is going on here?! Seemingly, he followed her?!
The Chassam Sofer explains the phrase as, “a good wife knows how to עושה רצון בעלה, change or motivate her husband’s will!” A woman is in a crucial position of influence. She has the power to talk sense into her husband and to penetrate his heart with her words of wisdom. There are numerous sources in Chazal that point to the man as the leader of the marriage (Avodah Zarah 39a) and other sources point to the woman as the most powerful decider (Bereishis Rabbah 17:7). There is no contradiction. Part of marriage is the power of influence. Two people who love and trust each other can exercise heavy positive influence on one another. Dr. John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2004), a foremost relationship expert, lists the directive of “let your spouse influence you” as a fundamental of a proper marriage. When we hear each other’s opinions and validate their feelings, much understanding and growth can be accomplished. Dr. Gottman predicts that marriages lacking this component have an 81% chance of failure.
The Aishes Chayil knows when and how to listen and when and how to share her opinion. Devorah saw that her husband, a man that had no military training, needed a confidence boost to push him to fulfil his duty. Her support and encouragement, despite her own fear of battle, was the strength that influenced him. She showed him that she deeply trusted and believed that he could carry out this difficult directive of Hashem. In fact, only a few short paragraphs later, the Tannah D’Bey Eliyahu Rabbah (1:10) states that Devorah was a wise woman who “built her home on wisdom (Mishley 13, see Introduction 3!)” as she would encourage her husband Barak to bring wicks to the Beis HaMikdash. Her baking and cheer brought the merit for her husband to light up the world through his heroic act to help Klal Yisrael. When each spouse is “עושה רצון, exerts positive influence,” the home is filled with sanctity and happiness.
This is precisely what the Yerushalmi (Berachos 62b) meant by: “A man is incomplete without his wife and a wife is incomplete without her husband. Both are not viable without Hashem!”
