Close To Torah

We bless the Chosson and Kallah that they should achieve, “אהבה, אחוה, שלום, ריעות, love, unity, peace and true friendship”. The acronym for these four blessings is “ראש, head”. What is the significance?

We are showing them the way to achieve this beautiful ideal. If one makes their spouse and their marriage, “ראש, first and foremost” in importance in their lives, they will certainly succeed!

The Gemara in Berachos (8a) is famous for stating that immediately after the wedding they used to ask the Chosson about his wife: is she a mahtza (amazing person and gift from Hashem) or a mohtza (more bitter than death)?

The Commentators are puzzled by how we could allow such a question to be asked and what response is expected except in the positive?!

I believe that something very deep is being stated here. I would like to share a powerful story to illustrate my point.

A young man got married and shortly thereafter arrived in Rabbi Avraham Pam zt”l’s office with a laundry list of complaints against his new wife. He concluded his case by stating, “when I got married, I was told positively and I saw for myself that my Kallah was a Ba’alas Middos Tovos, a Yarey Shamayim and a true Bas Yisrael, what has changed?!

Rav Pam knew he could be frank with him, “I believe that you are right, she was all of those wonderful things. The only thing that has changed in the equation is that you entered her life. You need to work on helping her bring out all of her positive strengths and lovely qualities”. The Chosson walked out charged with a vital lesson and clear mission to carry out.

I believe that this is the exact reason that we question the Chosson right after his marriage. Every Chosson exudes happiness and excitement when describing his new wife. We want him to take note of her greatness and to dedicate himself to taking good care of her and bringing out those strengths. This in turn will lead to a happy and productive marriage together!

There are two verses juxtaposed in the beginning of Parshas Mishpatim which seem to have nothing to do with each other. First the verse states the laws of one selling his daughter as a Jewish maidservant. The following verses discuss the topic of disputes between people. What’s the connection?

The Tanna D’Vey Eliyahu Rabbah (21:2) makes the following statement based upon this advent: “when you have a maidservant in the home, there are fights!”

I interpret this homiletically. When one treats his wife like a Queen, then there will be peace and harmony. However, if one treats her as a slave, there will be great discord and suffering.

A Rav once told a young man the secret to a successful marriage. If you treat her like a maidservant, then by extension, you are married to her, and maidservants marry slaves. If you treat her like a Queen, then you as her husband must be the King!

Simple equation, profound observation!

Every time that we take out the Sefer Torah in Shul we state a phrase worth contemplating. “V’Yigar B’Yetzer Harah Min Ha’Nisuin, (please Hashem, help us) banish the Evil Inclination from our Nisuin”.

There are two interpretations of the word “Nisuin”. One is “from our daily occupations and involvements”. The second is “from our marriage”.

What is being said here? Why do we specifically daven for this request before taking out the Sefer Torah?

The Yetzer Harah desires for us to sin and for us to be unhappy. He thus tells us to give in to our egos and to thereby suffer from a miserable marriage. “One who dwells without a wife is without Torah, protection from sin and happiness…” (Yevamos 62b). Hence, the Yetzer Harah doesn’t want shalom bayis, peace in the home.

It is precisely at this time (Pesichah, opening of the Aron) that we daven for Hashem’s help in this matter. Firstly, because the Zohar states that when the Aron is opened, it is an auspicious time to pray and be answered. Secondly, because the solution for how to have peace and know how to treat ones’ spouse properly is by learning Torah. Torah teaches us sensitivity, consideration and how to care for others!

This is the meaning of the Gemara in Sanhedrin (92a), “any home where the voice of Torah isn’t heard at night, fire will consume it”! This is the fire of Machlokes, arguments, anger and frustration. If one learns Torah and takes in its beautiful lessons, he will know how to treat and care for his wife! (See Sotah 17a for proof: “without marital harmony, fire consumes them”! We are striving for the positive: “if they act properly, the Shechinah dwells with them!)

May Hashem answer all of our prayers for peace and success!

The Gemara in Kiddushin (2b) connects and learns many laws of marriage from Avraham’s purchase of the Cave of Machpayla from Efron. Regarding marriage and regarding this purchase it states the word, “קיחה”. What do the two have to do with each other? What is the depth here?

I once heard a beautiful explanation from a friend of mine. Avraham purchased this priceless holy burial plot from Efron. Knowing its spiritual value, he was willing to pay any price for it. Efron was a money hungry greedy person who wanted all the money he could get. They worked out an astronomical price and Avraham paid it on the spot.

Now, if you were to ask either of them, who got the better end of the deal, each would say they did. Avraham would say, “to be able to buy this priceless lot is a gift to me from Hashem”! Efron would say, “this worthless lot made me amazingly rich”!

So too should be the perspective of the Bride and Groom. Each one should say,
“I’m the luckiest person in the world to have gotten you as my spouse”!

A young Yeshiva-guy who had gotten recently engaged came to ask the Steipler (Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, 1899- 1985) for advice on how to build a solid Torah home filled with  harmony.

The Steipler told him one rule to always keep in mind. “Until now, you have been in Yeshiva and you sat in your seat and leaned your Gemara on the shtender, portable podium, in front of you. Throughout the day, you moved the shtender around according to where you felt it was most comfortable. Here’s my advice: a wife is not a shtender!”

There is much to learn from this story. Firstly, how sometimes we begin to think that the world revolves around ourselves. Secondly, how to speak to someone on his own level. Thirdly…… I’ll leave it up to you to contemplate…..

The question is: why don’t pronounce the blessing of shechiyanu upon getting married? We normally recite it when we attain something new in our lives?

Rav Avraham Pam zt”l provides a beautiful answer to this. Normally, when we buy something new, it has a sweet excitement on the day that we acquired it. However, that freshness and inspiration dwindles every day. Hence, we recite the beracha of shechiyanu at the time of the climax of our feelings of excitement. However, in regards to marriage, the wedding is only the beginning…..

Women and men operate in different ways. To shed some insight, one can contemplate the following.

A women is generally more moved by her heart (Lev, לב) and emotions. This hints to the word Levanah, moon (לבנה).

A man is more prone to operate on logic, his brain (מח). This hints to the word Chammah, sun (חמה).

The numerical value of Chochmah and Binah is 140. This is the same as Chammah and Levanah (140)! Chochmah is straight knowledge (brain). This is the man’s domain. Binah is intuition (heart). This is the woman’s domain.

The moon reflects the sun and the two complement each other. So too we bless the Chosson and Kallah that they should work together by appreciating each other’s strengths and may they have a bright marriage together!

The Abarbanel (1437-1508, a great Jewish Portuguese philosopher, commentator and statesman) quotes an amazing Midrash about the creation of Chava, the first woman.

Hashem specifically did not create her from Adam’s foot. Since it is the lowest part of the body, he did not want Adam to view her as a lowly servant of his. Hashem also did not create her from a part of his head. He did not want her to tower over him and dominate him.

Rather, He created her from Adam’s rib, a bone found in the middle of the body. This teaches us that Hashem wanted balance and harmony in their marriage.

This Torah thought is not calling for egalitarianism, rather it is stressing the importance of mutual respect, recognition and working together.

The Gemara in Berachos (8a) states that they would ask the Chosson, is your wife a “Matza Isha Matza Tov, you found a wife and found goodness”, or is she a “Motzey Ani Mar Mimaves Es HaIsha, I have found more miserable than death, the woman!”

The famous question on this is why and how did they have the nerve to ask this to the Chosson and what does it accomplish?

My Rebbe, Rav Asher Rubenstein shlita explains a beautiful concept here. Whether or not you succeed in marriage is solely in your hands! If one comes into the marriage focusing only on himself, he will fail. If one strives to love, appreciate and care for his wife, he will find true happiness. The choice of which path to pursue is up to you.

These are the two options placed before the Chosson. Will you be a “Matza Isha” focused on her. In that case, you will “find goodness”! Or will you be a “Motzey Ani” focused on Ani, selfishness. In that case you will be “Mar mimaves”, miserable.

Every couple can choose to focus on caring for the others’ needs and find true happiness, success and fulfillment! This is the message and blessing of Chazal!