Close To Torah

Imagine if the Torah commanded you to spend the next consecutive year straight shaking a Lulav and Esrog, the four species, for the majority of the day throughout your waking hours! This would be a very tiring task!

There are different types of Mitzvos. Some apply constantly, like love and fear of God, some daily, like wearing Tefillin or davening, and some come periodically, like eating Matzah on Pesach or redeeming a first born son when applicable (see Derech Hashem IV:1:2). But there are none that just start one day of your adult life and then last for one year straight…… well… except one!

If you are reading this paper, then you probably know that I am discussing the topic of marriage and that is precisely where this unique Mitzvah is found. It is called “Shana Reishonah, the first year of marriage”! There is a Biblical commandment for a man to spend a year getting to know his wife and learning how to make her happy! The couple thereby develops a deep and loving friendship and bond. Imagine having to shake a Lulav and Esrog for one year straight! Let us try to understand this unique phenomena. But first…

I would like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to read my first article on Dating Sensitivity. Just the sheer number of readers brought me much joy to see how many people so passionately desire to improve the dating situation. Your feedback to me expressed this even more powerfully.

I never intended to write a second article, but because of all of the emails, questions and comments I received revolving around my first paper, I felt that this second part could prove to be beneficial. A third article (Bridging The Gender Gap), which compliments this one is in preparation and we will see where that leads!

The majority of the feedback was positive and many people made me aware of other factors and perspectives. I thus would like to bring up one more theme and incorporate answers to some of the questions you all raised. To answer individual questions such as “how should I date” and “what should I do look for” is too detailed of a task. Instead, I wish to offer one clear point that I believe cuts to the heart of the issue and can help immeasurably in many aspects of dating and marriage when properly applied.

My theme is quite simple, but I wish to illustrate it well for those who want to understand and apply it. My thesis is as follows. The most important key to marriage is the mutual dedication to work together to grow and succeed. Everything else is just details! Part of working together entails understanding the other person and respecting their feelings. It means realizing that our outlooks, opinions and modes of operation may differ from one another. We then strive to find the right balance in how to effectively make decisions together. I believe that this effort begins during dating and develops continually throughout married life. Working together with shared respect and understanding is the key to true happiness and achievement. Having an advisor who is wise, experienced and sensitive to others will help us to achieve this ever important task upon which our entire happiness depends.

Shaya Ostrov LCSW, dedicates much time to this idea in his book “The Inner Circle – Seven Gates to Marriage”. His second and third principle for successful dating are:

• Affirmation- giving over the message to the other that I am ready to seriously explore the possibility of a relationship with you; I take your life seriously and would like to get to know you properly.
• Inner History- one should not judge the other’s actions at first glance. Rather one should seek to understand the other’s noble motives, by asking, listening and learning to trust.

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned expert on marital success. His hands-on experience in the field has proved him to be able, within five minutes of watching a couple’s interaction, to predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will succeed together. He watches for certain traits that exhibit success and four negative behaviors that connote dysfunction and deep-rooted problems (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling). His greatness though is not to predict failure, but rather to show which traits need to be developed in order to have a happy marriage. His books and workshops offer advice on how to do just this.

He states a profound idea which I feel is worthy of contemplation. He says that he could divide the entire process of dating and marriage into three stages and express what the one key element is that determines success at each time.

1. Dating: While dating a strong factor that will determine whether the two people will subsequently marry is the good time that they share together. How they enjoy each other’s company and long to be together.
2. Early Years: During the early years of marriage, a strong factor for their success is how well they resolve disagreements stemming from their diverse outlooks and approaches. This is called conflict-resolution. This is the most dangerous time. Many will either give up or not seek guidance on how to do this. However, the successful couples will put in all their effort to learn to appreciate the other’s strengths and thereby maximize their  decision making ability. This will transform them into a loving and strong couple.
3. Later Years: During the older years of marriage, the factor for success is how they enjoy sharing good times together. It is no longer a conflict related issue. They have gotten through the rocky conflict stage and have made most of life’s big decisions already. The factor which now determines their happiness is ironically the exact same one that brought them together in the first place! Will they suffer from “empty nest syndrome” (the condition where after their children have all grown up and moved out, they have nothing left in common and find that they do not care for each other) or will they enjoy spending quality time together.

These are the three stages. While there is room to argue or redefine certain points found here, I wish to focus on the truth and relevance of what he is stating. I believe that what emerges from his assessment is that there are two major points to be considered when choosing a life-partner.

1. The first is to ask yourself: can this person be my best friend? Can we laugh and have a good time together?
2. The second and more important question is to determine: do I trust that we can work together through the disagreements and trials of marriage? Can we jointly navigate life and all of its challenges? The majority of marriage is about making decisions and working out a proper course together. This is the most important consideration.

I believe that people dating should be made more acutely aware of both these factors. Unfortunately, we have all seen couples who got so caught up in their intellectual connection through life goals, that they failed to see how their personalities were incompatible for having “fun” together. Their marriage was a master business deal, lacking in comradeship! We have also seen, even more tragically and all too common, couples that have gotten so enamored and blinded by the fun time that they were having together, that they never took the time to think about whether things would still be so “fun” if they did not see eye to eye and had to work out life decisions together! They never properly examined whether they indeed shared common goals, values and mutual respect and the desire and willingness to work together. This is terribly sad, as mutual respect and the dedication to work together are the foundation for succeed in the future.

Consider another point that John Gottman brings up in his bestselling “Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work”. He stresses the importance of “letting your partner influence you”. Simple advice, but his research shows that many people don’t understand the magnitude of this mutual respect indicator. So much so that he states that of the many who did not practice this, he found that 81% had a failed marriage.

He also stresses a key factor in marital success which I found quite fascinating. He saw that people who get along productively were all experts in sending repair attempts! This means that sometimes two people disagree, that is normal and expected. Two intelligent people can have two varied opinions. The problem is when the disagreement escalates into an argument and the argument into a fight and the fight into a bitter shouting contest. This sad scenario is the result of people getting carried away. In each person’s heart they have no desire to fight or suffer this sadness. However, because of the typical dynamics of high-tension conversations, one shout is returned with a louder one and viciousness and resentment are unleashed. How is this solved? By having a reality-check. A repair attempt is where one spouse catches the spiral that has just begun and does an act or gesture to remind themselves (and their spouse) that there is love and respect here and that s/he is attempting to calm the raging argument. This could done be cracking a joke so they both laugh together, giving a smile or a kiss, something that brings both to pause and rethink what they are doing. It breaks the tension and prevents a fight from becoming a destructive forest fire. “Please, honey, let us work this out as two mature adults.” Repair attempts and how they save marriages once again prove the vitality of establishing mutual respect and the desire to work with one another.

John Gottman states in “The Marriage Clinic” that his goal is to find empirically based answers to fix a marriage, and not just utilize unproven therapeutic techniques. Considering that marital issues are the largest problem which people seek counseling for, this is a relevant objective. As stated, research has proven that working on mutual respect and understanding are the keys to happy marriages.

John Gottman also records in “What Predicts Divorce?” the responses and feelings of upset spouses. Unhappy women often complain that their husbands are too withdrawn, and not willing to connect with her. Unhappy men often complain that their wives are too conflict-engaging. She is thereby tripping off his ego with her lack of respect. I believe that these responses can be well understood by considering the different emotional needs that a man and women possess. She strives for a deep and vibrant relationship, she wants to be adored and appreciated; he strives for authority and honor, he wants to feel like “he’s the man”. He is withdrawn because he doesn’t understand how to talk to her and offer reassurance. She seems engaging because she doesn’t know how to respect his space. He is acting with her as he wants for himself, but she is a woman and has different needs. She is making the same mistake. If each would learn to understand and respect the other, they would be able to work out their upset feelings.

What emerges clearly is the powerful idea that a strong and content marriage takes effort and patience. When both sides passionately pursue the shared objective to respect and understand the other, then they will be able to live the magic of marriage together. This is the general food for thought which I offer you. The rest of dating and marriage are all details that revolve around this goal.

We can now understand why the Torah strives for us to experience a peaceful and powerful beginning to our marriage. The Torah says that we should love and understand our spouse. Chazal (Yevamos 63a) tell us to respect one’s wife more than one respects himself! This starts from the moment that one gets married and really even before that!

The theory of weight homeostasis dictates that although the body’s weight fluctuates, it hovers at a basic set weight, unless a strong diet and exercise regiment alters it. So too, marriages are set and fluctuate back to a certain level. Where that “comfort level” lies is determined by the couple. This is the importance of “Shana Reishonah”, to begin marriage properly and to get off to a solid and positive start!

One may say that it is too late as they are already married for years and regret missing out on Shanah Reishonah. A great Torah marriage therapist responds that if one feels that they did not have a productive and proper first year, there is a solution, start it now for the next year, and see where it takes you! In fact, it comes as no surprise that the Sefer HaMitzvos HaKatan (285) states that the Biblical obligation to make happy one’s wife is not limited to the first year alone, but is applies always, throughout married life!

When we become sensitive to other’s needs, and dedicate ourselves to the task of loving and respecting our spouse, of being their best friend, the gates of Heaven open up and pour upon us only blessings and happiness. This is true bliss in this world. Mutual love and understanding. A beautiful ideal which we all seek to achieve!

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Hashkafah, Machshuvah, Shidduchim and Marriage Bein Adam L'Chavayro, Shidduch Crisis, Shidduchim, Torah marriage

The joy and celebration of Lag BaOmer is well known and generously carried out. The question worth pondering is what exactly is this party for? What are we so happy about? The explanation I hope will shed much light on Lag BaOmer and the entire theme of Sefiras HaOmer as well.

Rebbe Shimon Bar Yochai was the author of the holy Zohar. His words contain the keys to the Pnimiyus HaTorah, wellsprings of secrets and depth of the entire Torah. There is no true Torah scholar who has not studied and gleaned insight from his esoteric works. How was one man able to accomplish his great self-development and perfection which enabled him to merit to be the one to bring out all of this greatness?

In order to understand this we must discuss the Mabul, the Great Flood, from the  time of Noach, which destroyed the entire world. This is very relevant for two reasons. Firstly, because Lag BaOmer is the eighteenth day of Iyar and it was the first day of the Mabul in which Noach and his family were saved by being inside the Taivah, Ark (see Beraishis 7:11). Also, Chazal tell us that when Rebbe Shimon Bar Yochai ran away to escape death from the government, he hid inside a cave. This was equivalent to Noach inside of his Ark. What does it all mean?

Why did Hashem bring the Flood and why did he spare Noach from death? Chazal explain that the people in his generation were terrible sinners; they rebelled against Hashem. However, their final decree of annihilation came because of their sins to humanity, against each other. Their stealing and selfish outlook destroyed their society and Hashem, after warning them for one hundred and twenty years, had no choice but to destroy them. Hashem was willing to bear their sins against Him, however, people that mistreated others and were totally self-centered, had no merit to live any longer. Hashem provides life to us in order that we can serve Him and work towards breaking our egos. Our job is to develop our sensitivity and care for others. We strive to be the biggest performers of Chessed, kindness, for mankind. It was only in this merit that Noach was saved. The Torah calls him a “Tzaddik”, someone who gives generously and cares for others. In fact, even in the Ark itself Noach and his family had to dedicate themselves to tend to every animal’s individual need in order to continue their acts of Chessed and thereby merit to live. This was what kept them alive. The one time that Noach delayed in feeding a lion he was maimed by it and limped the rest of his life. It was clear to all of them that their purpose and directive was to perform limitless Chessed.

After surviving the flood, Cham castrated his father in hope of preventing him from having more children whom he feared would diminish his lot of the inheritance. Noach was in a compromised position and his grandson Canaan, son of Cham, took the opportunity to spread this fact to the others. Shem then went to cover his father and protected his dignity. Noach realized what had transpired and so he cursed Cham and his descendants with the terrible punishment of servitude. The reason for this harsh decree was that their selfish acts had showed that they had failed to learn anything regarding respecting and caring for others. Shem on the other hand was rewarded and commended for his sensitivity. He became the grandfather of Avraham and our nation. The formula is simple and clear, those who care for and help others are successful in life and develop a closeness with Hashem.

This brings us to Sefiras HaOmer. We are now counting from Pesach towards Shavuos. Hashem chose us to be His Nation and we want to accept His glorious Torah. The way that we succeed in doing this is by showing Him how much we love and care for our brothers. “VaYichan Sham Yisrael” as one person with one united heart (Shemos 19:2 and Rashi there). The experience of Har Sinai only happens when we join in unity with one another. This is why the students of Rebbe Akiva died in this time period. When Hashem was picking who would continue to spread His Torah, He needed to see mutual love in the candidates. Anyone who disrespected and mistreated his friends was deemed unworthy and unfit to perform the great job and thus perished.

Rebbe Shimon Bar Yochai embodied the trait of Tzidkus, righteousness. He was from the five students of Rebbe Akiva who developed love and respect for others. He learned from his Rebbe how to love and care for his fellow people. Thus, just as Noach merited to be saved by entering his Ark and doing Chessed, so too Rashbi merited to be saved from his pursuers in his Ark/cave, where he perfected himself and authored the Zohar. He then emerged to dedicate his life to the full-time service and teaching of the beauty and secrets of Torah to his dear people.

On Lag BaOmer, the students of Rebbe Akiva stopped dying. Why then? Because there are forty-eight keys listed in Avos (6:6) for how to acquire Torah. Each day of the Sefirah we work on one of them and on the last day (forty-nine) we review them all. The thirty-second one is “love people” and the thirty-third (ל”ג) one is: “love tziddakos, righteousness”. The remaining students took these traits to heart and perfected their ability to be caring for others and to be a Tzaddik like Noach. They would think about others just as he did and thus they gained the privilege to live.

Rashbi himself died many years later, according to some, precisely on Lag BaOmer. This hints to the fact that he had perfected his trait of caring for others. The Sefirah, kabbalistic trait,  of Lag BaOmer is “Hod SheB’Hod, splendor of splendor”. What does this mean? Aharon HaCohen was the embodiment of Hod, beauty, he opened up his heart and loved and cared for every Jew; he only desired that there be true peace between the people. Suffice it to say that this day is the epitome of that dream. And thus it is the exact day that the Ark began protecting Noach and the exact day that Rashbi merited to reveal the greatest secrets of the entire Torah. All of this was in the merit of their love for others. This is what grants Torah and life!

There are thirty-two days of Sefiras HaOmer before Lag BaOmer and seventeen days from Lag BaOmer until Shavuos. Thirty-two in Hebrew is Lamed Bais (לב); seventeen in Hebrew is Tov (טוב). Thus, Lag BaOmer is the day which joins and develops the virtue of having a good and positive heart (לב טוב). It represents the bringing together and focus of this entire time period. We are working to love and embrace our fellow man!

As we open our hearts to love and care for others, we are filled with the happiness and joy of fulfilling our purpose. Let us rejoice together as we work on accepting the Torah by taking in the beautiful lesson of Lag BaOmer. This is what the celebration is all about!

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Lag BaOmer Bein Adam L'Chavayro, Limud HaTorah, Noach, R Shimon Bar Yochai, Sefiras HaOmer, Shavuos, Zohar

 ואהבת לרעך כמוך  (יט:יח).

“You shall love your friend as yourself” (19:18)                     

Rebbe Akiva says that an important principle of the Torah is that one should love his friend as he does himself. Let us delve into this to understand what this great Mitzvah entails.

The Gemara in Bava Metziya (62a) tells us of a frightening scenario. Two people are traveling in a desolate desert and they run out of water. One of them has one small portion of water left, however, it is not sufficient for both of them. There is only enough for one person to drink to enable him to reach the closest city safely. If they split it, they will both die. What should he do? One opinion states that the owner of the water should split it between the two of them rather than watch his friend die on his account (even though this action dictates that both of them will not make it)! Another opinion argues and says that you must NOT share it, rather you must keep it all for yourself, as the Torah dictates that “חייך קודמים, your own safety takes precedence!” One of these two opinions is that of our Rebbe Akiva, which one do you think he opted for?

Astonishingly, he is the latter, dictating that one must care for himself first! How does this coincide with his view on the importance of loving your friend as yourself!?

The explanation is as follows. The two statements of Rebbe Akiva are far from contradictory; in fact they both develop upon one another! Allow me to explain.

How often do we meet someone who loves to care and do kindness for others. He will do anything to assist someone in need. Yet when it comes to his own live he is not happy or fulfilled and is rather miserable! Why does this happen and how could it be avoided?

The answer is that he knows how to properly treat everyone, well almost everyone, except for one person…. himself! The foundation for proper love for your friend is proper treatment of yourself. The standard for how to love your friend is כמוך, like yourself! Thus, the prerequisite for loving your friend is treating yourself right first.

Hashem teaches man that: your life is most important, you must fend for your own self first. After you have taken care of yourself, after you have filled yourself up with chessed from the inside, then this could spill forth, overflowing onto everyone else as well. If this is not done, then one will quickly find himself used and spent with nothing else left to give to others as he has burned out from self neglect.

Indeed, Rebbe Akiva entrusts us with the ever important directive of taking care of our fellow people. However, he teaches us that the proper way to do this is by beginning with care of our own selves first. This way, our kindness will spill forth and be shared healthily with the maximum benefactors receiving it! May we all succeed in fulfilling this noble ideal!

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Parshas Kedoshim Bein Adam L'Chavayro, Chessed, Love