Close To Torah

I would like to talk to you about making decisions. I am mostly talking to myself and trying to remind myself about how to act but I think that we both may benefit from this. I really just want to review some of these ideas some of which may be very appropriate for us and others not.

A bochur in Yeshiva once told me he wanted to leave the yeshiva dormitory and move out of the dormitory and into an apartment adjacent to the Yeshiva. He said that he wanted his privacy. I responded to him “How are you going to work on your ben adom l’chavayroh?”. I explained that “When you live by yourself you decide when the lights are on or off,  however when you live in a yeshiva dormitory you live among three other bochurim and you find yourself compromising on many issues. When you finally get married you aren’t just compromising on the lights and the temperature, you are even compromising on your whereabouts and the actions that you do.” The bochur nodded and seemingly understood the message I was conveying.

Living with people forces you to know how to give in to others and how to respect other peoples’ privacy. When two people get married, the “I” becomes a “We” and the concept of the individual becomes much smaller as the gaping hole between the two people fills in as they unite as one. It is integral that they make decisions together in the utmost way.

As Bnei Torah we have been trained to think and make an account of all of the conditions involved in our actions. You may say that non-jews also must do this. While that is true, there is no comparison between the two. We must think if everything we do is in line with what the Torah dictates of us. We must think if the current status is permitted or prohibited and if it may evolve into a Chillul Hashem rm”l.

A Ben Torah is not someone who takes decisions lightly. The Ben Torah is taught through deep analysis of the Talmud, as well as his constant introspection of how to decipher a situation and compare the pros and cons. He is taught how to analyze all the possibilities and make a proper comparison to gauge a similar scenario and expected outcome. That way, when the time comes and we are presented with a scenario, we are able to react instantly and act as we have in similar scenarios.

Making decisions can be very difficult if you are unable to properly see all of your possibilities and are unable to make a hierarchy of importance. Sometimes you must take into account the level of importance of the matter at hand, as opposed to another person’s perception of the same issue. A scenario may involve several people that will all be affected by your decision. There are times where your decisions affect others and then there are times that their decisions affects them. They may both be troublesome, however the more people that are affected, the greater the responsibility present.

Two married people have a very special bond that exists. Their pocket is the same, their residence is the same, and in many ways, they are the same. A marriage makes a bond greater than any other structure in the world. That is why a decision between husband and wife tends to be much more delicate than other decisions.

For example, look at a disagreement between husband and wife as a “civil war”, as opposed to a typical war scenario. When you have a civil war, your own nation is being harmed. G-d forbid a dispute between husband and wife should ever rise to the point of “war”, nonetheless, the comparison is valid. Each individual of a disagreement (“war”) is affected. The closeness that is shared between a husband and wife implies that when your wife is upset you are going to be upset.

A problem may not always be possible to resolve where everyone is happy with the decision made; that is of the utmost difficulty. Even an internal conflict that one person may be having may be impossible for him to perfectly deal with a situation. A couple must settle for peace and a solution. The most important part of a decision is that both parties agree to make the decision, regardless of whether it is what they both originally wanted. In essence, this is how they have decided to resolve the matter at hand and therefore it must be recognized as a decision agreed upon by both parties.

Making a decision isn’t about a number of votes or raises their voice higher. It is about “This is what we are going to do”. That means that the person who makes the decision must stand up for his decision, and so to speak…clean up the mess. That doesn’t mean that the other party should ever say “I told you so”, rather they should help as well.

When the person who decided to make the decisions sees it failing, it will eat them up inside. It could be they made the right decision and this is just how Hashem decided it should turn out. That is what it means to be responsible for your decisions. That doesn’t always mean that you are guaranteeing it’s success, as we have no such a guarantee for anything in life. Your responsibility is that you did everything to ensure that you made the right decision, not that the expected outcome will come to fruition. Rather, that you put in all of the time, energy, and thought into what you have decided.

You will be much happier with your marriage when you don’t point your finger at that person saying “Look, it didn’t work.”, but instead saying “Look, I know you made a thought out decision and this is how it turned out”. A mature individual will want the result, but will be satisfied with the proper actions done.

We are people who believe in the constant yad Hashem and never take something for granted. If we are given another day of life in this world, then it is because Hashem willed it to be so. If we are not rm”l, then it is because Hashem did not will it to be so. If a little boy is taking his daily walk and out of nowhere, he trips on a rock that had never been there before…it was not purely out of accident that such an event took place. Hashem willed for that little boy to fall.

When we try to do something, we must keep in mind that we can only do all that is in our capabilities. To determine all that is in our grasp, we must first know ourselves. Some people are nor simply very decisive, yet some are. If you know that you are not capable of making decisions…make the decision to not make a decision (until you feel confident that you can).

There are certain types of decisions that we make but are unable to do so under certain circumstances. If a bright light is glaring in your eye and a salesman asks you which color paint do you want…you cannot answer since the light is affecting your vision. We must know ourselves and know the things that inhibit our perception to make a proper decision. Being frustrated, tired, impatient, and upset are the more common traits that can lead to making a poor decision. Half the battle is knowing that one should not be making such a decision.

When communicating with another person regarding a decision, sometimes you may have to be blunt and say “I’m sorry, but I am unable to take part in this matter, I’m sorry”. One doesn’t always have to give an explanation, as sometimes less information is better. Even though communication is of the utmost importance, sometimes the point cannot be clearly explained or the person does not feel comfortable explaining their scenario. While it is clearly better to explain yourself, realize that sometimes the better outcome is by simply saying what you feel and that you wish not to further elaborate. Saying “I’m sorry if you respect me, you will realize that I am unable to make this decision right now”. Saying this is much better than getting worked up and creating something  into a large mess. It takes a lot of courage, but sometimes biting your lip and saying “I’m sorry, I cannot make this decision” is the correct decision.

To determine all that is in our grasp we must know ourselves. Some people are simply not very decisive, some are. Like a person who is intoxicated obviously they are not capable of driving. If you know that you are not capable of making decisions…make the decision to not make a decision until you feel confident that you can. There are certain types of decisions that we make but are unable to do so under certain circumstances. If a bright light is glaring in your eye and a salesman asks you which color painting do you want…you cannot answer since the light is affecting your vision. We must know ourselves and know the things that inhibit our perception to make a proper decision. Being frustrated, tired, impatient, upset are the more common traits that can lead to make a poor decision. Half of the battle is knowing that you should not being making such a decision. When communicating with another person regarding a decision sometimes you may have to be blunt and say “I’m sorry but I am unable to take part of this matter, I’m sorry”. You don’t have to always give an explanation sometimes less information is better. “I’m sorry if you respect me, you must realize that I am unable to make this decision right now”. Saying this is much better then getting worked up and making something that could have been resolved into a large mess. It takes a lot of courage but sometimes biting your lip and saying “I’m sorry I cannot make this decision” is the correct decision.

In conclusion, me all make decisions daily. Some are small and some are big. With some, we are able to see the outcomes instantly, yet others will have delayed results. We must be responsible for our actions and be confident when we make decisions. After a decision is made, it is futile to start looking back and questioning what you had done. If there is no way to fix it, then leave it. You can learn from your past experiences, but do not use them to cause pain to others.

Remember that your decisions can affect several parties and that sometimes you will have to live with your mistakes. Always know that your decisions are only half of the outcome, as you do not know if Hashem will allow for your decisions to come to fruition. Always use your past as a building block for your future and not a wound of your past. This is one of the great challenges of Life.

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Shidduchim and Marriage Achdus, Ben Adom L’chavaro, Shidduchim, Shviras HaMidos, Torah marriage

In the last article, I developed the theme of working together. We saw how the most effective way to achieve harmony and fulfillment in marriage is to undertake the vital task of caring for and striving to understand the other. In this final continuation, I wish to illustrate a point that is important to be aware of when working towards mutual respect and cooperation. It is the idea of the natural differences between men and women.

Perhaps a significant factor that makes harmony so difficult is the gender difference. It already puts the couple at a disadvantage before they even try to communicate. Indeed, men and women are diametrically different. When one recognizes these differences and appreciates their spouse’s needs, this will allow them to work together most smoothly. We are a team and wish to help out our teammate so that we can perform best together. This is done by acknowledging that we are different, and have different strengths to offer. Many people erroneously think that their personal feelings, opinions and preferences are the only possibilities for a healthy person to have. This thinking causes them to nullify any other person’s opinions. “If I wouldn’t be hurt, embarrassed or upset in that situation, then you have no right to be either!” However, the art of productive interaction with others is to strive to respect, validate and be sensitive to other perspectives outside of our own. A man and woman see the world differently; a sensitive spouse will learn to acknowledge and work with this reality.

My point here is to stress that once this is acknowledged, we will be more sensitive and aware of how these potentially anger-triggering differences play a vital role in our relationships.

In the New York Times bestseller “You Just Don’t Understand”, Deborah Tannen illustrates common things that trigger misunderstandings as one spouse was ambiguous in their communication and the other misread the cue. For example:

• When she asks “what would you like?”, this is not necessarily a request for information, as a man tends to sees it, rather, it can be an opening for a discussion.
• To Josh, “checking with his wife” means asking her permission, which to him implies that he isn’t independent, and it is thus childlike. To her, it shows respect and that their lives are interrelated. Both must know this, communicate their feelings and recognize the other’s needs.
• Her questioning him for details can be seen by him as a challenge, requiring a counter. She sees it as a request for understanding (information) with girl-style polite engaging. If both people strive to comprehend each other, these issues can be discussed, and then fixed or avoided altogether.

In the powerful book “Boys and Girls Learn Differently”, Michael Gurian brings out the undeniable physical differences between genders that invariably affect their respective emotional and psychological temperaments. His findings are obviously not the concrete, only possibility for every person, as we are all different and operate differently. However, these were the results of careful scientific study and at least deserve some thought, as they represent many deep-rooted diverse strengths and tendencies. Here is a partial list of these differences:

• There are many brain differences between the genders. The male brain stem is at rest and is thus quicker to respond physically. The amygdale is larger in males thus making them more aggressive. Males comprise over 90% of all cases of hyperactivity.
• The arcuate fasciculus develops earlier in females, thus, they speak in sentences earlier. The female brain is more developed in the broca area which is responsible for speech development. The cerebellum provides smoothness, balance and speech and is more developed in females. The frontal lobe effects emotions and communication skills; the female’s is more developed. Werencke’s area links language and thought. This area is highly active in females. 99% of females have comprehensible speech and vocabulary by age three. This is only achieved by males at age four and a half.
• The cerebral cortex provides higher intellectual functions and memory. The male’s is thicker on the right, thus he is right-brained dominant. The female’s is thicker on the left. The left hemisphere affects language, writing, consciousness, self-image, denial and listening. The female is superior here. The right hemisphere helps tone of voice, music, spatial discernment and visual memory. Males use this more. Female use both sides more than males use both.
• The cerebrum allows one to multitask; the female’s is always active! Female toddlers can multitask more freely than male toddlers.
• The corpus callosum connects both sides of the brain. The female’s has a better connection between both sides. This may give them greater focus on practical application.
• The hypothalamus of the male brain is denser and constant, it produces lust and anger. Pituitary glands are larger in males thus increasing their fight-or-flight instinct!
• Regarding the occipital lobe, females see better in lower light, males in higher (melatonin in females cause them to have greater sensitivity to brightness).
• The parietal lobe perceives bodily sensations, pressure, pain and temperature. The female’s is larger, thus, they experience greater sensations. The male’s is smaller, thus, they often excel at ignoring pain.
• The thalamus regulates one’s emotional life and physical safety and monitors what is happening outside of the body. Females process faster here.
• Males develop testosterone which causes action and can escalate to aggression. Females develop estrogen which breeds hormonal changes and the desire for feelings and bonding.
• Males are more easily angered; females are more easily saddened.
• Males are often more restless as a fetus, whereas females are less active.
• Male are generally larger than females.
• Males have less serotonin (which is a relaxing agent).
• Male toddlers prefer mechanical or structural toys; females prefer soft and cuddly toys.
• Males look at objects for a shorter time but are more vigorous, whereas females gaze longer but are less active.
• Males gaze at their mother for half as long as females do.
• Females at one week can distinguish a baby’s cry from background noise, whereas males do not respond yet. Females at four months can distinguish people’s faces on photos, whereas for males it takes longer to achieve this.
• Females prefer sweets more than males do.
• Males have better narrow and depth perception. Females have better peripheral (side-line) vision.
• Males have a 25% higher mortality rate at infancy than females. This is being studied further.
• Males in kindergarten focus on individual games. Females focus on group activities. Males ignore newcomers until they prove their worth and value. Females welcome them warmly! Males prefer games that require bodily contact and competition. Girls prefer taking turns and indirect competition.
• Males prefer stories of excitement and action while ignoring victims. Females prefer stories of human dynamics and feelings.
• A male toddler’s good-bye to his mom takes around 30 seconds. A female’s takes 90 seconds!
• Males express emotions through actions. Females express feelings through words!
• Males in grade one through third are more able to separate emotion from reason that their female counterparts.
• Males are 50% more likely to be held back in eighth grade than females are.
• Males in High School focus much on personal career choice. Females focus more on personal relationships.
• 69% of H.S. males offered “fighting” as the best solution to an argument. The majority of females opted for “walking away” or “talking about it”.

All of this illustrates quite vividly the great gender difference that a couple much deal with. We believe that Hashem gave us all different strengths to offer and a happy couple will learn to appreciate the other’s strong points and thereby build a beautiful partnership together. (For further reading I suggest two books that offer relevant information regarding these facts: “Reviving Ophelia” and “Raising Cain”.)

This is not meant to scare anyone! My point is to stress:

• The first key to a successful marriage is to acknowledge that men and women are in fact very different!
• The second task is to learn how to communicate with and how to understand and respect the opposite gender! The most important trait needed for this is patience and sensitivity!

I hope that through the last two articles I have illustrated the importance of striving to work together and understand the other person. Through this, we can accomplish beautiful and fulfilling achievements.

One most useful suggestion for how to navigate through all of these potentially dangerous pitfalls and miscommunications is to find someone wise with experience and much sensitivity. When something is unclear to us or we need help, we can then talk to them and seek to improve our marriage. Anyone can succeed, it is in your hands!

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Hashkafah, Shidduchim and Marriage Middos, Shidduch Crisis, Shidduchim

Imagine if the Torah commanded you to spend the next consecutive year straight shaking a Lulav and Esrog, the four species, for the majority of the day throughout your waking hours! This would be a very tiring task!

There are different types of Mitzvos. Some apply constantly, like love and fear of God, some daily, like wearing Tefillin or davening, and some come periodically, like eating Matzah on Pesach or redeeming a first born son when applicable (see Derech Hashem IV:1:2). But there are none that just start one day of your adult life and then last for one year straight…… well… except one!

If you are reading this paper, then you probably know that I am discussing the topic of marriage and that is precisely where this unique Mitzvah is found. It is called “Shana Reishonah, the first year of marriage”! There is a Biblical commandment for a man to spend a year getting to know his wife and learning how to make her happy! The couple thereby develops a deep and loving friendship and bond. Imagine having to shake a Lulav and Esrog for one year straight! Let us try to understand this unique phenomena. But first…

I would like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to read my first article on Dating Sensitivity. Just the sheer number of readers brought me much joy to see how many people so passionately desire to improve the dating situation. Your feedback to me expressed this even more powerfully.

I never intended to write a second article, but because of all of the emails, questions and comments I received revolving around my first paper, I felt that this second part could prove to be beneficial. A third article (Bridging The Gender Gap), which compliments this one is in preparation and we will see where that leads!

The majority of the feedback was positive and many people made me aware of other factors and perspectives. I thus would like to bring up one more theme and incorporate answers to some of the questions you all raised. To answer individual questions such as “how should I date” and “what should I do look for” is too detailed of a task. Instead, I wish to offer one clear point that I believe cuts to the heart of the issue and can help immeasurably in many aspects of dating and marriage when properly applied.

My theme is quite simple, but I wish to illustrate it well for those who want to understand and apply it. My thesis is as follows. The most important key to marriage is the mutual dedication to work together to grow and succeed. Everything else is just details! Part of working together entails understanding the other person and respecting their feelings. It means realizing that our outlooks, opinions and modes of operation may differ from one another. We then strive to find the right balance in how to effectively make decisions together. I believe that this effort begins during dating and develops continually throughout married life. Working together with shared respect and understanding is the key to true happiness and achievement. Having an advisor who is wise, experienced and sensitive to others will help us to achieve this ever important task upon which our entire happiness depends.

Shaya Ostrov LCSW, dedicates much time to this idea in his book “The Inner Circle – Seven Gates to Marriage”. His second and third principle for successful dating are:

• Affirmation- giving over the message to the other that I am ready to seriously explore the possibility of a relationship with you; I take your life seriously and would like to get to know you properly.
• Inner History- one should not judge the other’s actions at first glance. Rather one should seek to understand the other’s noble motives, by asking, listening and learning to trust.

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned expert on marital success. His hands-on experience in the field has proved him to be able, within five minutes of watching a couple’s interaction, to predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will succeed together. He watches for certain traits that exhibit success and four negative behaviors that connote dysfunction and deep-rooted problems (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling). His greatness though is not to predict failure, but rather to show which traits need to be developed in order to have a happy marriage. His books and workshops offer advice on how to do just this.

He states a profound idea which I feel is worthy of contemplation. He says that he could divide the entire process of dating and marriage into three stages and express what the one key element is that determines success at each time.

1. Dating: While dating a strong factor that will determine whether the two people will subsequently marry is the good time that they share together. How they enjoy each other’s company and long to be together.
2. Early Years: During the early years of marriage, a strong factor for their success is how well they resolve disagreements stemming from their diverse outlooks and approaches. This is called conflict-resolution. This is the most dangerous time. Many will either give up or not seek guidance on how to do this. However, the successful couples will put in all their effort to learn to appreciate the other’s strengths and thereby maximize their  decision making ability. This will transform them into a loving and strong couple.
3. Later Years: During the older years of marriage, the factor for success is how they enjoy sharing good times together. It is no longer a conflict related issue. They have gotten through the rocky conflict stage and have made most of life’s big decisions already. The factor which now determines their happiness is ironically the exact same one that brought them together in the first place! Will they suffer from “empty nest syndrome” (the condition where after their children have all grown up and moved out, they have nothing left in common and find that they do not care for each other) or will they enjoy spending quality time together.

These are the three stages. While there is room to argue or redefine certain points found here, I wish to focus on the truth and relevance of what he is stating. I believe that what emerges from his assessment is that there are two major points to be considered when choosing a life-partner.

1. The first is to ask yourself: can this person be my best friend? Can we laugh and have a good time together?
2. The second and more important question is to determine: do I trust that we can work together through the disagreements and trials of marriage? Can we jointly navigate life and all of its challenges? The majority of marriage is about making decisions and working out a proper course together. This is the most important consideration.

I believe that people dating should be made more acutely aware of both these factors. Unfortunately, we have all seen couples who got so caught up in their intellectual connection through life goals, that they failed to see how their personalities were incompatible for having “fun” together. Their marriage was a master business deal, lacking in comradeship! We have also seen, even more tragically and all too common, couples that have gotten so enamored and blinded by the fun time that they were having together, that they never took the time to think about whether things would still be so “fun” if they did not see eye to eye and had to work out life decisions together! They never properly examined whether they indeed shared common goals, values and mutual respect and the desire and willingness to work together. This is terribly sad, as mutual respect and the dedication to work together are the foundation for succeed in the future.

Consider another point that John Gottman brings up in his bestselling “Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work”. He stresses the importance of “letting your partner influence you”. Simple advice, but his research shows that many people don’t understand the magnitude of this mutual respect indicator. So much so that he states that of the many who did not practice this, he found that 81% had a failed marriage.

He also stresses a key factor in marital success which I found quite fascinating. He saw that people who get along productively were all experts in sending repair attempts! This means that sometimes two people disagree, that is normal and expected. Two intelligent people can have two varied opinions. The problem is when the disagreement escalates into an argument and the argument into a fight and the fight into a bitter shouting contest. This sad scenario is the result of people getting carried away. In each person’s heart they have no desire to fight or suffer this sadness. However, because of the typical dynamics of high-tension conversations, one shout is returned with a louder one and viciousness and resentment are unleashed. How is this solved? By having a reality-check. A repair attempt is where one spouse catches the spiral that has just begun and does an act or gesture to remind themselves (and their spouse) that there is love and respect here and that s/he is attempting to calm the raging argument. This could done be cracking a joke so they both laugh together, giving a smile or a kiss, something that brings both to pause and rethink what they are doing. It breaks the tension and prevents a fight from becoming a destructive forest fire. “Please, honey, let us work this out as two mature adults.” Repair attempts and how they save marriages once again prove the vitality of establishing mutual respect and the desire to work with one another.

John Gottman states in “The Marriage Clinic” that his goal is to find empirically based answers to fix a marriage, and not just utilize unproven therapeutic techniques. Considering that marital issues are the largest problem which people seek counseling for, this is a relevant objective. As stated, research has proven that working on mutual respect and understanding are the keys to happy marriages.

John Gottman also records in “What Predicts Divorce?” the responses and feelings of upset spouses. Unhappy women often complain that their husbands are too withdrawn, and not willing to connect with her. Unhappy men often complain that their wives are too conflict-engaging. She is thereby tripping off his ego with her lack of respect. I believe that these responses can be well understood by considering the different emotional needs that a man and women possess. She strives for a deep and vibrant relationship, she wants to be adored and appreciated; he strives for authority and honor, he wants to feel like “he’s the man”. He is withdrawn because he doesn’t understand how to talk to her and offer reassurance. She seems engaging because she doesn’t know how to respect his space. He is acting with her as he wants for himself, but she is a woman and has different needs. She is making the same mistake. If each would learn to understand and respect the other, they would be able to work out their upset feelings.

What emerges clearly is the powerful idea that a strong and content marriage takes effort and patience. When both sides passionately pursue the shared objective to respect and understand the other, then they will be able to live the magic of marriage together. This is the general food for thought which I offer you. The rest of dating and marriage are all details that revolve around this goal.

We can now understand why the Torah strives for us to experience a peaceful and powerful beginning to our marriage. The Torah says that we should love and understand our spouse. Chazal (Yevamos 63a) tell us to respect one’s wife more than one respects himself! This starts from the moment that one gets married and really even before that!

The theory of weight homeostasis dictates that although the body’s weight fluctuates, it hovers at a basic set weight, unless a strong diet and exercise regiment alters it. So too, marriages are set and fluctuate back to a certain level. Where that “comfort level” lies is determined by the couple. This is the importance of “Shana Reishonah”, to begin marriage properly and to get off to a solid and positive start!

One may say that it is too late as they are already married for years and regret missing out on Shanah Reishonah. A great Torah marriage therapist responds that if one feels that they did not have a productive and proper first year, there is a solution, start it now for the next year, and see where it takes you! In fact, it comes as no surprise that the Sefer HaMitzvos HaKatan (285) states that the Biblical obligation to make happy one’s wife is not limited to the first year alone, but is applies always, throughout married life!

When we become sensitive to other’s needs, and dedicate ourselves to the task of loving and respecting our spouse, of being their best friend, the gates of Heaven open up and pour upon us only blessings and happiness. This is true bliss in this world. Mutual love and understanding. A beautiful ideal which we all seek to achieve!

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Hashkafah, Machshuvah, Shidduchim and Marriage Bein Adam L'Chavayro, Shidduch Crisis, Shidduchim, Torah marriage

Today’s Question: Kidney Advice

The Gemara Berachos (61a) tells us “the kidneys advise one how to act.” How is this possible, to what are Chazal referring, does not the brain center command the bodies actions?

Yesterday’s Question: Dating Distractions

When looking for a marriage partner where do we find hinted in a verse of Tanach the three greatest distractions that can blind a person from choosing the correct mate?

Our Answer:

Tehillim (32:6) the word “Mayim, water” contains this hint!
The verse there states “Al Zos Yispalel Kol Chassid…” which the Gemara interprets to mean that everyone should pray to Hashem that He guides them to find their proper mate.
The Kli Yakar adds the following insight. The verse ends stating that one should pray that Hashem save them from drowning in Mayim, water. This great wave of Mayim is the three distractions that threaten to throw one off from choosing properly. Mayim is spelled: Mem Yud Mem (מים). Those are the first letters of the words: Mamom, money, Yofee, looks, and Mishpacha, family prestige! One must have the right perspective and much help from Hashem when seeking their marriage partner!

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The Daily Question Shidduchim

There has been much written about the issue of Shidduchim or lack thereof over the last few years. Many have pointed their fingers at the statistical disproportion between the large number of girls and the shortage of boys. Many have talked about the difference between a “good” boy and a “good” girl. Others have blamed the age differential of when each gender begins dating. Others have claimed that not enough people are getting involved in actually suggesting matches. The list goes on, as we all painfully know. Whichever reason you see as the crux of the matter, there is one issue which I feel compelled to point out here because of its great importance and yet its virtual neglect from public discussion. Perhaps it is this issue which is truly preventing people from coming together. That is: Are the daters doing their part to act with proper care, consideration, and sensitivity towards others? Are they being taught and are they putting into practice how to be the “mentsh” that both girls and boys always state that they are looking for?

I hope that we will find ways to enhance the lives of our dear fellow people. Please let my words find merit on their own accord. If you feel that I have raised a good point, then I am happy; if you disagree with me, I respect your opinion as well. So here is an extrapolation of what is on my mind.

Our Nation is known as compassionate and caring toward others. However, unfortunately, many people are getting hurt daily in the process of finding their mates. Why is this so? Perhaps people realize the great responsibility and seriousness of choosing a spouse; they see the great lifetime ramifications that depend upon this decision and thus they become extra protective and cautious for their own safety. This may cause an inadvertent neglect in factoring how their words or actions could hurt other people. It is my hope to tap into people’s true sensitivity in order that we can realign our actions to be consistent with our Torah understanding of true Derech Eretz.

I am going to ask a series of questions. I understand that many of them can be answered, and some of them very well. Perhaps I am missing information, perhaps I am being too judgmental or extra sensitive, or perhaps you are not guilty of anything listed below. Indeed if some or all of my words do not apply to you then I salute you for being such a considerate person who thinks about others! Perhaps then I will be able to strengthen your resolve towards sensitivity. All I wish to show is the many areas of sensitivity and consideration which I think should be thought about more by our young men and women, and their parents, striving to build their home for Hashem. The questions are meant to stimulate the mind to point out the issues and to represent the numerous feelings and sentiments as they have been expressed to me by those that raised them.

Remember that before you can walk in someone else’s shoes, you must first take off your own! Try to see and feel the side of the victim, you will find this most enlightening. This way we will heighten our awareness and learn how to make this world a happy place for all. All of the stories are true to the best of my knowledge.

• Are we courteous and respectful as the Torah dictates from us?
• Why is it permissible to speak any lashon hara, slander, and justify it by calling it “research” or “I feel that this is relevant”? Why can we insult people or hurt their feelings so freely?
• Why do people blatantly lie?
• How do people know what the “dater” will find attractive, intelligent, lively or fun, that grants them the right to inform people not to go out with someone? Doesn’t everyone have different tastes? Do we not find ourselves surprised all the time by people’s ultimate selections?!
• Why do all of his/her friends have to know, and in great detail, about every single girl/boy they ever met or were suggested and “knew” that she/he wasn’t “good enough” for them?
• Why do people not return phone calls? Why do people make suggestions and not call back with the details that they promised? Why do people neglect to reply with an answer to suggestions that they were offered? Why do people not call politely to remind them?!
• Why do people dismiss a Shidduch suggestion with two lethal words- “THAT family?!” “THAT seminary/Yeshiva?!” “THAT Shul?!” “THAT city?!” or even “THAT Shadchan?!
• Why do boys complain that they couldn’t find the girls house, because no light was left on, and when they finally thought they found it, no sign or number was in sight to dispel their doubts?
• Why was a boy given a 45 minute unannounced impromptu test and psychoanalysis, by her parents, on everything he ever learned and the detailed recounting of his ultimate life goals, as he waited nervously before meeting the girl for the first time?
• Why was one boy who called a woman for information three days before Pesach told that he should call back after Yom Tov as she was too busy then, only to be called on Erev Pesach by that exact woman asking him for information about his friend for her daughter?!
• Why do boys complain that girl’s written profiles contain no vital updated information, wrong ages, wrong numbers and too vague descriptions? Why do girls complain that boys don’t even have a written profile? Couldn’t things be much better clarified by giving over a clear written document?
• Why can’t people write their actual date of birth, education, present occupation, family details, descriptive personality and haskafa of themselves and what they would appreciate in a spouse along with any other pertinent information which they know would be of relevance?
• How did a boy who dialed a reference number which he was given on a printed profile end up on the phone with the prospective girl’s mother?
• Why do official references say all the time, “I’m sorry, I don’t really know that person!” Why don’t people choose references who are articulate, patient and updated about their life goals? Why don’t references just call their friend directly to clarify the questions which they cannot answer? Why not give a large selection of references, with a short relationship description, so that there are many people to be called in case some of the references cannot be reached?
• Why do so many people refuse to speak or write a profile for themselves leaving it all to their parents? So many Shadchanim say that they only realized who the person was when they met or spoke to them in person to hear what they themselves were looking for and not what their parents wanted?!
• If one is mature enough to get married, are they not mature enough to speak to the Shadchan themselves between dates? Surely one can discuss what they will say with their mentor(s), but why play broken-telephone by sending messages through others?
• Why do people ask insensitive and irrelevant questions, such as, “list me off all of the prospect’s character faults!”?
• Why is it common practice for a boy or girl to wait a week or two or longer for an answer? Do people not know how much stress and anxiety this causes?
• Why do people turn exchanging Dor Yeshorim numbers into such an issue? Why can’t it just be done, and not mean anything, whenever one side asks for it, whether it’s before the dating begins or any time after? The entire process takes literally 2 minutes (try it and you’ll see)!? Why do people lose their Dor Yeshorim number or not have it available, thereby looking careless? The official paper is not needed, one can simply write down their nine digits and carry it in their wallet! Why isn’t it done as early as possible before two people become quickly emotionally involved?
• Why are people so tense, serious and uptight on dates, wouldn’t one represent their real self better if they just relaxed and opened up gradually instead of attacking? Why was a girl’s first words to a boy as they pulled out of her driveway, “so what are your life-goals?” and “tell me about your entire family?” What happened to formalities or “how was your trip here?”
• Why are people so quick to jump to conclusions, why don’t we talk and clarify things together?
• Why did a Shadchan dismiss a Rosh Yeshiva’s concerns about why a Shidduch fell through by simply stating, “I never would have set them up in the first place!” ? Are we God?
• Why was a person dumped after many long and serious dates without being talked to in person, or even over the phone, and even the Shadchan who called to inform them that they were not getting engaged had no explanation to provide?
• Why do so many boys and girls not have a trusted Rebbe or Mentor to speak to? How do they think that they can navigate the complex issues and dangers of dating on their own or by only speaking to friends their age with insufficient life experience to guide them properly?
• Why do people double-date?
• Why do so many people only focus on themselves and not try to make the other person comfortable? Even if one is not having a good time and recognizes that their date is not for them, can’t they still exercise common courtesy to another human being?
• Why are so many people so quick to dump? Relationships take time to develop and very often so does attraction!? Why are so many people so quick to get engaged? What’s the rush?
• Why do so many people not communicate their concerns and questions directly to the one they are dating? Isn’t that something important for a partnership?
• Why do so many girls only speak to their Rav, without even speaking to a Rebbetzin or trusted woman mentor who can help her with her feelings which her Rav does not specialize in and will advise her of this as well? Why do boys not ask their mothers and sisters for advice on how to understand the opposite gender?
• Why is so little appreciation given to the boys and especially to the girls who spend hundreds of dollars and hours traveling in just to date? If one is not comfortable expressing appreciation verbally, doesn’t he/she at least deserve more than one short date?!
• Why do people do a timed-date, how could you develop a relationship with someone by telling them that the clock is ticking, “the date must be from four to six”, without a sensitive justification?
• No one said you have to marry this person, but why should they walk away from dating you with much pain and questions on your middos?

I anxiously wait to hear your valuable feedback. I reiterate that I am not looking for answers to these questions, there is always an answer available! I am looking to heighten sensitivity awareness! I suggest that this turn into a group project of reawakening consideration and thoughtfulness! I know that everyone wants to be nice and respectful. I think that this is a great project to work on for those seeking to get married as well as those wishing to grow together in their marriages! If you agree with me, please write your support and recommendations for this proposition. Please add your observations and advice. If you disagree with me, please raise your objections and we will clarify this together. My intentions are not to offend anyone, and I apologize if I did, I only want to increase success and happiness in our Nation.

To sum it all up, Shidduchim is about finding the right person, at the right place, at right time, and in the right manner! May we all be zocheh to live with health, happiness and harmony!

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Hashkafah, Shidduchim and Marriage Ben Adom L’chavaro, Nisyonis / Yisurim, Shidduch Crisis, Shidduchim, Shviras HaMidos