Close To Torah

I would like to talk to you about making decisions. I am mostly talking to myself and trying to remind myself about how to act but I think that we both may benefit from this. I really just want to review some of these ideas some of which may be very appropriate for us and others not.

A bochur in Yeshiva once told me he wanted to leave the yeshiva dormitory and move out of the dormitory and into an apartment adjacent to the Yeshiva. He said that he wanted his privacy. I responded to him “How are you going to work on your ben adom l’chavayroh?”. I explained that “When you live by yourself you decide when the lights are on or off,  however when you live in a yeshiva dormitory you live among three other bochurim and you find yourself compromising on many issues. When you finally get married you aren’t just compromising on the lights and the temperature, you are even compromising on your whereabouts and the actions that you do.” The bochur nodded and seemingly understood the message I was conveying.

Living with people forces you to know how to give in to others and how to respect other peoples’ privacy. When two people get married, the “I” becomes a “We” and the concept of the individual becomes much smaller as the gaping hole between the two people fills in as they unite as one. It is integral that they make decisions together in the utmost way.

As Bnei Torah we have been trained to think and make an account of all of the conditions involved in our actions. You may say that non-jews also must do this. While that is true, there is no comparison between the two. We must think if everything we do is in line with what the Torah dictates of us. We must think if the current status is permitted or prohibited and if it may evolve into a Chillul Hashem rm”l.

A Ben Torah is not someone who takes decisions lightly. The Ben Torah is taught through deep analysis of the Talmud, as well as his constant introspection of how to decipher a situation and compare the pros and cons. He is taught how to analyze all the possibilities and make a proper comparison to gauge a similar scenario and expected outcome. That way, when the time comes and we are presented with a scenario, we are able to react instantly and act as we have in similar scenarios.

Making decisions can be very difficult if you are unable to properly see all of your possibilities and are unable to make a hierarchy of importance. Sometimes you must take into account the level of importance of the matter at hand, as opposed to another person’s perception of the same issue. A scenario may involve several people that will all be affected by your decision. There are times where your decisions affect others and then there are times that their decisions affects them. They may both be troublesome, however the more people that are affected, the greater the responsibility present.

Two married people have a very special bond that exists. Their pocket is the same, their residence is the same, and in many ways, they are the same. A marriage makes a bond greater than any other structure in the world. That is why a decision between husband and wife tends to be much more delicate than other decisions.

For example, look at a disagreement between husband and wife as a “civil war”, as opposed to a typical war scenario. When you have a civil war, your own nation is being harmed. G-d forbid a dispute between husband and wife should ever rise to the point of “war”, nonetheless, the comparison is valid. Each individual of a disagreement (“war”) is affected. The closeness that is shared between a husband and wife implies that when your wife is upset you are going to be upset.

A problem may not always be possible to resolve where everyone is happy with the decision made; that is of the utmost difficulty. Even an internal conflict that one person may be having may be impossible for him to perfectly deal with a situation. A couple must settle for peace and a solution. The most important part of a decision is that both parties agree to make the decision, regardless of whether it is what they both originally wanted. In essence, this is how they have decided to resolve the matter at hand and therefore it must be recognized as a decision agreed upon by both parties.

Making a decision isn’t about a number of votes or raises their voice higher. It is about “This is what we are going to do”. That means that the person who makes the decision must stand up for his decision, and so to speak…clean up the mess. That doesn’t mean that the other party should ever say “I told you so”, rather they should help as well.

When the person who decided to make the decisions sees it failing, it will eat them up inside. It could be they made the right decision and this is just how Hashem decided it should turn out. That is what it means to be responsible for your decisions. That doesn’t always mean that you are guaranteeing it’s success, as we have no such a guarantee for anything in life. Your responsibility is that you did everything to ensure that you made the right decision, not that the expected outcome will come to fruition. Rather, that you put in all of the time, energy, and thought into what you have decided.

You will be much happier with your marriage when you don’t point your finger at that person saying “Look, it didn’t work.”, but instead saying “Look, I know you made a thought out decision and this is how it turned out”. A mature individual will want the result, but will be satisfied with the proper actions done.

We are people who believe in the constant yad Hashem and never take something for granted. If we are given another day of life in this world, then it is because Hashem willed it to be so. If we are not rm”l, then it is because Hashem did not will it to be so. If a little boy is taking his daily walk and out of nowhere, he trips on a rock that had never been there before…it was not purely out of accident that such an event took place. Hashem willed for that little boy to fall.

When we try to do something, we must keep in mind that we can only do all that is in our capabilities. To determine all that is in our grasp, we must first know ourselves. Some people are nor simply very decisive, yet some are. If you know that you are not capable of making decisions…make the decision to not make a decision (until you feel confident that you can).

There are certain types of decisions that we make but are unable to do so under certain circumstances. If a bright light is glaring in your eye and a salesman asks you which color paint do you want…you cannot answer since the light is affecting your vision. We must know ourselves and know the things that inhibit our perception to make a proper decision. Being frustrated, tired, impatient, and upset are the more common traits that can lead to making a poor decision. Half the battle is knowing that one should not be making such a decision.

When communicating with another person regarding a decision, sometimes you may have to be blunt and say “I’m sorry, but I am unable to take part in this matter, I’m sorry”. One doesn’t always have to give an explanation, as sometimes less information is better. Even though communication is of the utmost importance, sometimes the point cannot be clearly explained or the person does not feel comfortable explaining their scenario. While it is clearly better to explain yourself, realize that sometimes the better outcome is by simply saying what you feel and that you wish not to further elaborate. Saying “I’m sorry if you respect me, you will realize that I am unable to make this decision right now”. Saying this is much better than getting worked up and creating something  into a large mess. It takes a lot of courage, but sometimes biting your lip and saying “I’m sorry, I cannot make this decision” is the correct decision.

To determine all that is in our grasp we must know ourselves. Some people are simply not very decisive, some are. Like a person who is intoxicated obviously they are not capable of driving. If you know that you are not capable of making decisions…make the decision to not make a decision until you feel confident that you can. There are certain types of decisions that we make but are unable to do so under certain circumstances. If a bright light is glaring in your eye and a salesman asks you which color painting do you want…you cannot answer since the light is affecting your vision. We must know ourselves and know the things that inhibit our perception to make a proper decision. Being frustrated, tired, impatient, upset are the more common traits that can lead to make a poor decision. Half of the battle is knowing that you should not being making such a decision. When communicating with another person regarding a decision sometimes you may have to be blunt and say “I’m sorry but I am unable to take part of this matter, I’m sorry”. You don’t have to always give an explanation sometimes less information is better. “I’m sorry if you respect me, you must realize that I am unable to make this decision right now”. Saying this is much better then getting worked up and making something that could have been resolved into a large mess. It takes a lot of courage but sometimes biting your lip and saying “I’m sorry I cannot make this decision” is the correct decision.

In conclusion, me all make decisions daily. Some are small and some are big. With some, we are able to see the outcomes instantly, yet others will have delayed results. We must be responsible for our actions and be confident when we make decisions. After a decision is made, it is futile to start looking back and questioning what you had done. If there is no way to fix it, then leave it. You can learn from your past experiences, but do not use them to cause pain to others.

Remember that your decisions can affect several parties and that sometimes you will have to live with your mistakes. Always know that your decisions are only half of the outcome, as you do not know if Hashem will allow for your decisions to come to fruition. Always use your past as a building block for your future and not a wound of your past. This is one of the great challenges of Life.

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Shidduchim and Marriage Achdus, Ben Adom L’chavaro, Shidduchim, Shviras HaMidos, Torah marriage

Imagine if the Torah commanded you to spend the next consecutive year straight shaking a Lulav and Esrog, the four species, for the majority of the day throughout your waking hours! This would be a very tiring task!

There are different types of Mitzvos. Some apply constantly, like love and fear of God, some daily, like wearing Tefillin or davening, and some come periodically, like eating Matzah on Pesach or redeeming a first born son when applicable (see Derech Hashem IV:1:2). But there are none that just start one day of your adult life and then last for one year straight…… well… except one!

If you are reading this paper, then you probably know that I am discussing the topic of marriage and that is precisely where this unique Mitzvah is found. It is called “Shana Reishonah, the first year of marriage”! There is a Biblical commandment for a man to spend a year getting to know his wife and learning how to make her happy! The couple thereby develops a deep and loving friendship and bond. Imagine having to shake a Lulav and Esrog for one year straight! Let us try to understand this unique phenomena. But first…

I would like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to read my first article on Dating Sensitivity. Just the sheer number of readers brought me much joy to see how many people so passionately desire to improve the dating situation. Your feedback to me expressed this even more powerfully.

I never intended to write a second article, but because of all of the emails, questions and comments I received revolving around my first paper, I felt that this second part could prove to be beneficial. A third article (Bridging The Gender Gap), which compliments this one is in preparation and we will see where that leads!

The majority of the feedback was positive and many people made me aware of other factors and perspectives. I thus would like to bring up one more theme and incorporate answers to some of the questions you all raised. To answer individual questions such as “how should I date” and “what should I do look for” is too detailed of a task. Instead, I wish to offer one clear point that I believe cuts to the heart of the issue and can help immeasurably in many aspects of dating and marriage when properly applied.

My theme is quite simple, but I wish to illustrate it well for those who want to understand and apply it. My thesis is as follows. The most important key to marriage is the mutual dedication to work together to grow and succeed. Everything else is just details! Part of working together entails understanding the other person and respecting their feelings. It means realizing that our outlooks, opinions and modes of operation may differ from one another. We then strive to find the right balance in how to effectively make decisions together. I believe that this effort begins during dating and develops continually throughout married life. Working together with shared respect and understanding is the key to true happiness and achievement. Having an advisor who is wise, experienced and sensitive to others will help us to achieve this ever important task upon which our entire happiness depends.

Shaya Ostrov LCSW, dedicates much time to this idea in his book “The Inner Circle – Seven Gates to Marriage”. His second and third principle for successful dating are:

• Affirmation- giving over the message to the other that I am ready to seriously explore the possibility of a relationship with you; I take your life seriously and would like to get to know you properly.
• Inner History- one should not judge the other’s actions at first glance. Rather one should seek to understand the other’s noble motives, by asking, listening and learning to trust.

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned expert on marital success. His hands-on experience in the field has proved him to be able, within five minutes of watching a couple’s interaction, to predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will succeed together. He watches for certain traits that exhibit success and four negative behaviors that connote dysfunction and deep-rooted problems (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling). His greatness though is not to predict failure, but rather to show which traits need to be developed in order to have a happy marriage. His books and workshops offer advice on how to do just this.

He states a profound idea which I feel is worthy of contemplation. He says that he could divide the entire process of dating and marriage into three stages and express what the one key element is that determines success at each time.

1. Dating: While dating a strong factor that will determine whether the two people will subsequently marry is the good time that they share together. How they enjoy each other’s company and long to be together.
2. Early Years: During the early years of marriage, a strong factor for their success is how well they resolve disagreements stemming from their diverse outlooks and approaches. This is called conflict-resolution. This is the most dangerous time. Many will either give up or not seek guidance on how to do this. However, the successful couples will put in all their effort to learn to appreciate the other’s strengths and thereby maximize their  decision making ability. This will transform them into a loving and strong couple.
3. Later Years: During the older years of marriage, the factor for success is how they enjoy sharing good times together. It is no longer a conflict related issue. They have gotten through the rocky conflict stage and have made most of life’s big decisions already. The factor which now determines their happiness is ironically the exact same one that brought them together in the first place! Will they suffer from “empty nest syndrome” (the condition where after their children have all grown up and moved out, they have nothing left in common and find that they do not care for each other) or will they enjoy spending quality time together.

These are the three stages. While there is room to argue or redefine certain points found here, I wish to focus on the truth and relevance of what he is stating. I believe that what emerges from his assessment is that there are two major points to be considered when choosing a life-partner.

1. The first is to ask yourself: can this person be my best friend? Can we laugh and have a good time together?
2. The second and more important question is to determine: do I trust that we can work together through the disagreements and trials of marriage? Can we jointly navigate life and all of its challenges? The majority of marriage is about making decisions and working out a proper course together. This is the most important consideration.

I believe that people dating should be made more acutely aware of both these factors. Unfortunately, we have all seen couples who got so caught up in their intellectual connection through life goals, that they failed to see how their personalities were incompatible for having “fun” together. Their marriage was a master business deal, lacking in comradeship! We have also seen, even more tragically and all too common, couples that have gotten so enamored and blinded by the fun time that they were having together, that they never took the time to think about whether things would still be so “fun” if they did not see eye to eye and had to work out life decisions together! They never properly examined whether they indeed shared common goals, values and mutual respect and the desire and willingness to work together. This is terribly sad, as mutual respect and the dedication to work together are the foundation for succeed in the future.

Consider another point that John Gottman brings up in his bestselling “Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work”. He stresses the importance of “letting your partner influence you”. Simple advice, but his research shows that many people don’t understand the magnitude of this mutual respect indicator. So much so that he states that of the many who did not practice this, he found that 81% had a failed marriage.

He also stresses a key factor in marital success which I found quite fascinating. He saw that people who get along productively were all experts in sending repair attempts! This means that sometimes two people disagree, that is normal and expected. Two intelligent people can have two varied opinions. The problem is when the disagreement escalates into an argument and the argument into a fight and the fight into a bitter shouting contest. This sad scenario is the result of people getting carried away. In each person’s heart they have no desire to fight or suffer this sadness. However, because of the typical dynamics of high-tension conversations, one shout is returned with a louder one and viciousness and resentment are unleashed. How is this solved? By having a reality-check. A repair attempt is where one spouse catches the spiral that has just begun and does an act or gesture to remind themselves (and their spouse) that there is love and respect here and that s/he is attempting to calm the raging argument. This could done be cracking a joke so they both laugh together, giving a smile or a kiss, something that brings both to pause and rethink what they are doing. It breaks the tension and prevents a fight from becoming a destructive forest fire. “Please, honey, let us work this out as two mature adults.” Repair attempts and how they save marriages once again prove the vitality of establishing mutual respect and the desire to work with one another.

John Gottman states in “The Marriage Clinic” that his goal is to find empirically based answers to fix a marriage, and not just utilize unproven therapeutic techniques. Considering that marital issues are the largest problem which people seek counseling for, this is a relevant objective. As stated, research has proven that working on mutual respect and understanding are the keys to happy marriages.

John Gottman also records in “What Predicts Divorce?” the responses and feelings of upset spouses. Unhappy women often complain that their husbands are too withdrawn, and not willing to connect with her. Unhappy men often complain that their wives are too conflict-engaging. She is thereby tripping off his ego with her lack of respect. I believe that these responses can be well understood by considering the different emotional needs that a man and women possess. She strives for a deep and vibrant relationship, she wants to be adored and appreciated; he strives for authority and honor, he wants to feel like “he’s the man”. He is withdrawn because he doesn’t understand how to talk to her and offer reassurance. She seems engaging because she doesn’t know how to respect his space. He is acting with her as he wants for himself, but she is a woman and has different needs. She is making the same mistake. If each would learn to understand and respect the other, they would be able to work out their upset feelings.

What emerges clearly is the powerful idea that a strong and content marriage takes effort and patience. When both sides passionately pursue the shared objective to respect and understand the other, then they will be able to live the magic of marriage together. This is the general food for thought which I offer you. The rest of dating and marriage are all details that revolve around this goal.

We can now understand why the Torah strives for us to experience a peaceful and powerful beginning to our marriage. The Torah says that we should love and understand our spouse. Chazal (Yevamos 63a) tell us to respect one’s wife more than one respects himself! This starts from the moment that one gets married and really even before that!

The theory of weight homeostasis dictates that although the body’s weight fluctuates, it hovers at a basic set weight, unless a strong diet and exercise regiment alters it. So too, marriages are set and fluctuate back to a certain level. Where that “comfort level” lies is determined by the couple. This is the importance of “Shana Reishonah”, to begin marriage properly and to get off to a solid and positive start!

One may say that it is too late as they are already married for years and regret missing out on Shanah Reishonah. A great Torah marriage therapist responds that if one feels that they did not have a productive and proper first year, there is a solution, start it now for the next year, and see where it takes you! In fact, it comes as no surprise that the Sefer HaMitzvos HaKatan (285) states that the Biblical obligation to make happy one’s wife is not limited to the first year alone, but is applies always, throughout married life!

When we become sensitive to other’s needs, and dedicate ourselves to the task of loving and respecting our spouse, of being their best friend, the gates of Heaven open up and pour upon us only blessings and happiness. This is true bliss in this world. Mutual love and understanding. A beautiful ideal which we all seek to achieve!

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Hashkafah, Machshuvah, Shidduchim and Marriage Bein Adam L'Chavayro, Shidduch Crisis, Shidduchim, Torah marriage

The Parshiyos of Acharey Mos and Kedoshim discuss the prohibition of illicit relations. Chazal tell us that one’s heart is strongly lured after this sin. Let us learn a lesson from how three great people fought against their natural human desires and achieved greatness.

The Gemara in Sanhedrin (19b) tells us of three men who were put to the test and came out victorious. They were Yosef (tempted by the wife of Potifar), Paltiel (King Shaul made him sleep in the house with his daughter Michal, who was truthfully married to David at the time) and Boaz (who desired Rus before actually marrying her). The Sefer HaChaim finds a hint in their names as to how the Yetzer Hara, Evil Inclination, operates.

Boaz- means that the Evil Inclination has much strength to destroy us!

Yosef- means that the Yetzer Hara continually grows bigger and increasingly stronger every day.

Paltiel- means that with the help of God, one can save himself!

Additionally, he shows that the first letters of their three names spell the word: בפי (בועז פלטיאל יוסף), which means, “in their mouth”. This hints to the words in Shabbos davening, בפי ישרים תתהלל, God is praised by the mouth of the honest ones. What does this signify?! Understanding this, I believe, will shed vital light on how to fight the Yetzer Hara.

Chazal tell us a common denominator between how those three people were able to overcome their temptations. At the peak of their desire, they all did one thing in order to assure that they would not sin. What was that? They made a vow to Hashem and professed their commitment to Him! They declared, “I am faithful to You Hashem and I will not sin!” This is בפי, by their mouths!

One may ask, why was this necessary, would not their intellectual resolve alone suffice to steer them away from the evil? The answer is that surely the mind must resolve to fight the challenge, however, only with a verbal commitment can one strengthen the mind’s decision!

The Ramban writes a beautiful principle that can be used to steer away from evil and even more so to pursue virtue. He translates the verse in Shir HaShirim homiletically, “אם תעירו ואם תעוררו את האהבה עד שתחפץ”, if you feel love for Hashem, then express it in the physical domain (תחפץ means to make it physical)! Grab a fruit and make a berachah, sit down and learn some Torah! When the love is expressed in the physical world and is manifested by the body, it crystallizes and becomes real.

A couple came to Rabbi Meir Simcha HaCohen of Divinsk, the famous author of the Ohr Sameach, asking him to arrange for their divorce, as they had concluded that they could not work out their bitter differences. He sat with them for hours talking everything through and showed them how indeed their marriage could be saved and would thrive. Finally, their faces lit up as they saw in their hearts that happiness together awaited them. “Rabbi,” they both said, “we are ready to make this work, we want to stay together!” “Great!” he responded, “then you will succeed! Now we must dance as if we are at your wedding!” Immediately they stood up and the Rabbi and the Chosson and Kallah danced around his dining room table! The room was filled with joy!

R’ Meir Simcha recognized that the newfound feelings would become real when they would be expressed by a dance!

So too in life, if we are given a challenge and muster up the intellectual commitment to overcome it, then we should express this commitment verbally! When we find ourselves inspired to grow to become better people, we should look for a vehicle of expression that can be immediately implemented by our body! We can write it down, start doing it immediately and express it. This is the way of our great people, utilizing the physical to internalize the inspiration!

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Parshas Acharei Mos Lasting Inspiration, Marriage, Torah marriage, Yetzer HaRa, Yetzer HaTov

…והנערה יפת תואר וטובת מראה ובמות אביה ואמה לקחה מרדכי לו לבת (אסתר ב:ז)

The girl (Esther) possessed a beautiful appearance… and when her parents died, Mordechai took her as his daughter (Esther 2:7)

Chazal tell us (Megilla 13a) that the word “bas, daughter,” in this verse is to be read as “bayis, house,” meaning that in actuality Mordechai took Esther as his wife.

There are many lessons inherent in our verse, let us examine some of them as we attempt to resolve the many difficulties found in understanding this verse.

The Numerous Issues

The first problem is, why does the verse describe Esther as being taken as a daughter if it really means wife, why not just say wife?! Also, according to Chazal’s elucidation, how do we explain the word “bayis, house” this is a strange reference to marriage as well?

Let us site an additional source that is hard to understand as it will ultimately shed much light on this important topic. The Gemara (Sotah 12a) states, “he who marries a women for the sake of Heaven is considered to have given birth to her as his daughter.” At first glance, this statement seems perplexing and hard to understand. What are Chazal trying to teach us? What does it mean to marry L’shem Shamayim, for the sake of Heaven? What is the parable and benefit of considering her to be his daughter?! Very perplexing?!

The commentators are surprisingly silent on many of these issues. One line from the Ben Ish Chai, though, opens up the gates of understanding for us. He connects this Gemara to another statement of Chazal (Bava Basra 141a). “If your first child born is a daughter, this is a good sign for your children who follow!”

He ends by stating that if one marries a woman for the sake of Heaven, then her presence makes it as if you gave birth to a daughter first and thus it is good for your children who follow. This is his answer! But what does it mean?

This completes all of our quandaries regarding many cryptic words; now we will try to find a proper explanation!

The Original Plan

When Hashem gave Adam his wife, Chava, this was the first marriage to ever take place. The Ramban and many other Commentators state that one must study those early events well and take note of every nuance expressed as it represents the foundation of all future unions as well.

One illustration provided by the Ramban is that Hashem did not give Adam his wife until Adam asked for her! Hashem first wanted him to recognize his deficiency without her and then to request her from Hashem and only after that would he be given the great gift of marriage, with newly-gained appreciation. This is a fundamental outlook for one searching for their mate and has connotations for those married as well!

An Extension

The very first description which Adam gives upon seeing his wife is (Beraishis 2:23): She is a bone from my bones and flesh from my flesh, she should be called Isha, woman, for she comes from Ish, man!

Why in fact did Hashem create the woman from a part of man himself? Could He not have just used raw material from another source, perhaps from dirt just as Adam was formed?!

This is a simple yet fundamental question. The answer will prepare us to understand Hashem’s goal for marriage!

Hashem wanted man and woman to be one unified unit! True, each one would have different personalities, tendencies and strengths, in fact very diversely, but, in essence they would blend and work together! By creating their bodies (and souls as well as stated in the Zohar) from one place, this gave them an intrinsic bond and connection that would last for eternity. Man and woman were to ponder their shared creation and realize the importance of building a deep relationship between them. Hashem created them from one body to teach them to work together to become like one! Their serving Hashem together by following His Torah and Mitzvos and treating each other with sensitivity and respect makes them into one! (based on Gra in Mishley 9:10)

Like One

R’ Yaakov Yosef Herman was once waiting in an office together with his wife and newly married daughter and son-in-law, R’ Chaim Pinchus Scheinberg. R’ Scheinberg was sitting next to his own wife and his in-laws were on the outer ends of the two of them. He joked with his father-in-law saying, “I’m closer to my wife that you are to yours!”

R’ Herman chuckled and then retorted with his own quick rebuttal, a lesson that would last a lifetime: You just got married, so for now, in order for you to be close to your wife, you must sit right near her, but my wife and I have been married for years and are so close and connected in our hearts that no physical distance can ever separate us! Thus, I am closer to my wife!

This is the Torah’s perspective on marriage. Intimate closeness in heart and soul.

Bone and Flesh

One more point and then we will tie our original verse about Adam together!

The verse stated that the woman was created from Adam’s “bone” and “flesh.” We understand the reference to his bone as the verse earlier stated explicitly that Hashem created Chava from one of his ribs, hence she comes from his bone. But what is the “flesh” referring to? Where do we see that Hashem built Chava out of any flesh of Adam?!

Chazal (Pirkey D’R’ Eliezer 11) were perplexed by this exact question and thus explained the following. Hashem took flesh from Adam’s heart and used it in the construction of Chava! The depth here is that one’s wife has the power to capture his heart and this in fact is Hashem’s plan for marriage! A deep and loving bond should permeate their lives together!

To Summarize

Hashem desires for man and woman to connect and work together to grow. He set them up to unite and help each other. Their job is to become one and thus be a helpmate for one another in serving Hashem to their fullest. A derivative of this proper bonding will be that they will have children and their love for each other will then pour forth upon their children and inspire them too with an appreciation and dedication to the service of Hashem!

Selfish Spouse

Someone who gets married for selfish reasons does not appreciate this. He simply wants to marry for his own self-pleasure. He seeks to get and to take whatever he can from his spouse and has no plan for caring or sharing. He is thus failing to see that Hashem created man and wife to become one. He cares not for lofty goals, all he wants is personal gratification. He cares nothing of connection, only for fulfilling his desires! This is not the correct approach and his plan will surely fail. He cannot find happiness when he does not follow the Torah’s prescription for fulfillment. Inevitably, he will get tired of her and will not feel very good about his life. This is because he neglected to serve Hashem. It is a tragic and vicious cycle. Very often, he will start to terribly mistreat her and show no appreciation as his only focus and desire is to fulfill his own wants, not caring about the needs of others. His marriage will be painful and his family will become dysfunctional. His children will be turned off from what he claims to believe in as they lack a proper role-model. This is not always the case, but it is the general course that a selfish person is on. How tragic indeed. Only one who follows the Torah approach will have much enjoyment and fulfillment waiting for him.

To Put It All Together

We now understand what it means to marry for the sake of Heaven. To see marriage as an opportunity for growing and encouraging Avodas Hashem together! To appreciate how Hashem created her from his bone and heart so that they can connect! As the Raavad writes, “the beauty of marriage is to be like one single body and entity, connected and working together.”

The Maharal (Ohr Chadash p. 114) states that this is what it means by “if one marries L’Shem Shamayim, she is like your daughter.” A daughter is built from you, she is an extension of you. The Torah wants you to view your wife as an extension of yourself. This is the most productive and beneficial outlook. It is meant in the most positive way, to be truly connected and close.

This is the exact meaning of marrying for the sake of Heaven and the explanation and benefit of considering her your daughter, your connection!

Our original verse is stating this as well. The verse began by stating that Esther was a most beautiful and attractive young lady! We know that her looks and charm even made her the winner of Achashvayrosh’s beauty contest. But this was not the sole focus of Mordechai. He married her for her qualities. She was someone to work and grow with. He viewed her as his daughter, an extension of himself, fulfilling Hashem’s plan for marriage!

What is the Bayis?

But still why do Chazal use the word bayis, house? The answer is that this ties everything together!

The Gemara quoted by the Ben Ish Chai stated that when a girl is born first this is good for the children who follow. He stated that if you marry L’Shem Shamayim you are considered to have had a daughter first already. What does this all mean?!

The Gemara there explains the benefit of this firstborn girl. As the oldest, she will care for and nurture all of her siblings under her! This is the benefit for her family! They will have a second loving and caring mother!

There is nothing that a parent would not do for their child. So if one asks what is the most important thing that I can do for can my children to prepare them for success? The answer is: the best thing you can do for your children is, love their mother! When children grow up in a warm and healthy environment this puts them at a great advantage for life!

If two people marry L’Shem Shamayim, to grow with their spouse in service of Hashem, they have shown that they will work together and be kind and considerate towards each other. They realize that she is his daughter, connected as one! Hence, they will work hard to have marital harmony. They will have the benefit of a loving and nurturing mother for she will be happy and encouraged by her husband who loves and believes in her. Their children will benefit from the “firstborn daughter” who cares for them so affectionately and carefully! A truly heartwarming and inspirational home! This I believe is the intention of the Ben Ish Chai and this I believe brings everything together.

Because she is the bas, they will have a beautiful bayis! May we all achieve these beautiful goals! The opportunity to live with this perspective is available every day!

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Hashkafah, Machshuvah Avodas Hashem, L'shem Shamayim, ShalomBayis, Torah marriage