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Love and Honor: Shabbos Davening

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
December 15th, 2010
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It is well know from the Sefer Kenesses HaGedolah and other sources that the three changes found the three Shmoneh Esrays of Shabbos davening relate to marriage.

  • 1-     In the Friday night Shmoneh Esray we say “V’Yanuchu Bah, rest on it (“her” refers to Shabbos, feminine).”
  • 2-     2- In Shachris we say, “V’Yanuchu Bo, (“him,” masculine).”
  • 3-     By Mincha we say, “V’Yanuchu Bam, (“them,” plural).”

This hints to the fact that Shabbos is the marriage so to speak between Hashem and Klal Yisrael.

Just as in a marriage, the celebration begins when the Chosson asks the Kallah to marry her and:

  • 1-     The L’Chaim is usually held in her house, this is why we begin Shabbos with “Bah, her.”
  • 2-     Next, the Chosson brings her into his home (canopy) and pronounces the marriage declaration and puts a ring on her finger, hence, “Bo, him.”
  • 3-     Finally, they live life together as a unified couple, “Bam, them.”

I recently was wondering about the fact that in the Mussuf Shmoneh Esray we say the words, “Bo, him.” This is in addition to the other above mentioned prayers. What is this all about?

I believe that something very deep is being expressed here. Both males and females have different needs. One of the strongest needs of a woman is to be loved. This is voted by women as the foremost quality of marriage. For a man, one of the strongest needs is to be respected. Obviously, both genders need both; the stress here is on the primary need. I believe that this is hinted in the construct of the Shmoneh Esreys.

First we mention “Bah, her”, because putting her first, shows how much she is loved. And next we mention “Bo, him.” But we say it twice, because the male ego begs for more respect! After each partner gave the other what they needed emotionally, this leads to “Bam, together!”

First and Foremost

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
June 6th, 2010
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We bless the Chosson and Kallah that they should achieve, “אהבה, אחוה, שלום, ריעות, love, unity, peace and true friendship”. The acronym for these four blessings is “ראש, head”. What is the significance?

We are showing them the way to achieve this beautiful ideal. If one makes their spouse and their marriage, “ראש, first and foremost” in importance in their lives, they will certainly succeed!

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Defining Moment

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
May 31st, 2010
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The Gemara in Berachos (8a) is famous for stating that immediately after the wedding they used to ask the Chosson about his wife: is she a mahtza (amazing person and gift from Hashem) or a mohtza (more bitter than death)?

The Commentators are puzzled by how we could allow such a question to be asked and what response is expected except in the positive?!

I believe that something very deep is being stated here. I would like to share a powerful story to illustrate my point.

A young man got married and shortly thereafter arrived in Rabbi Avraham Pam zt”l’s office with a laundry list of complaints against his new wife. He concluded his case by stating, “when I got married, I was told positively and I saw for myself that my Kallah was a Ba’alas Middos Tovos, a Yarey Shamayim and a true Bas Yisrael, what has changed?!

Rav Pam knew he could be frank with him, “I believe that you are right, she was all of those wonderful things. The only thing that has changed in the equation is that you entered her life. You need to work on helping her bring out all of her positive strengths and lovely qualities”. The Chosson walked out charged with a vital lesson and clear mission to carry out.

I believe that this is the exact reason that we question the Chosson right after his marriage. Every Chosson exudes happiness and excitement when describing his new wife. We want him to take note of her greatness and to dedicate himself to taking good care of her and bringing out those strengths. This in turn will lead to a happy and productive marriage together!

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Wife Not Slave (Parshas Mishpatim)

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
February 9th, 2010
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There are two verses juxtaposed in the beginning of Parshas Mishpatim which seem to have nothing to do with each other. First the verse states the laws of one selling his daughter as a Jewish maidservant. The following verses discuss the topic of disputes between people. What’s the connection?

The Tanna D’Vey Eliyahu Rabbah (21:2) makes the following statement based upon this advent: “when you have a maidservant in the home, there are fights!”

I interpret this homiletically. When one treats his wife like a Queen, then there will be peace and harmony. However, if one treats her as a slave, there will be great discord and suffering.

A Rav once told a young man the secret to a successful marriage. If you treat her like a maidservant, then by extension, you are married to her, and maidservants marry slaves. If you treat her like a Queen, then you as her husband must be the King!

Simple equation, profound observation!

Torah Outlook

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
December 19th, 2009
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Every time that we take out the Sefer Torah in Shul we state a phrase worth contemplating. “V’Yigar B’Yetzer Harah Min Ha’Nisuin, (please Hashem, help us) banish the Evil Inclination from our Nisuin”.

There are two interpretations of the word “Nisuin”. One is “from our daily occupations and involvements”. The second is “from our marriage”.

What is being said here? Why do we specifically daven for this request before taking out the Sefer Torah?

The Yetzer Harah desires for us to sin and for us to be unhappy. He thus tells us to give in to our egos and to thereby suffer from a miserable marriage. “One who dwells without a wife is without Torah, protection from sin and happiness…” (Yevamos 62b). Hence, the Yetzer Harah doesn’t want shalom bayis, peace in the home.

It is precisely at this time (Pesichah, opening of the Aron) that we daven for Hashem’s help in this matter. Firstly, because the Zohar states that when the Aron is opened, it is an auspicious time to pray and be answered. Secondly, because the solution for how to have peace and know how to treat ones’ spouse properly is by learning Torah. Torah teaches us sensitivity, consideration and how to care for others!

This is the meaning of the Gemara in Sanhedrin (92a), “any home where the voice of Torah isn’t heard at night, fire will consume it”! This is the fire of Machlokes, arguments, anger and frustration. If one learns Torah and takes in its beautiful lessons, he will know how to treat and care for his wife! (See Sotah 17a for proof: “without marital harmony, fire consumes them”! We are striving for the positive: “if they act properly, the Shechinah dwells with them!)

May Hashem answer all of our prayers for peace and success!

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The Best End of The Deal! (Parshas Chayei Sarah)

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
November 9th, 2009
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The Gemara in Kiddushin (2b) connects and learns many laws of marriage from Avraham’s purchase of the Cave of Machpayla from Efron. Regarding marriage and regarding this purchase it states the word, “קיחה”. What do the two have to do with each other? What is the depth here?

I once heard a beautiful explanation from a friend of mine. Avraham purchased this priceless holy burial plot from Efron. Knowing its spiritual value, he was willing to pay any price for it. Efron was a money hungry greedy person who wanted all the money he could get. They worked out an astronomical price and Avraham paid it on the spot.

Now, if you were to ask either of them, who got the better end of the deal, each would say they did. Avraham would say, “to be able to buy this priceless lot is a gift to me from Hashem”! Efron would say, “this worthless lot made me amazingly rich”!

So too should be the perspective of the Bride and Groom. Each one should say,
“I’m the luckiest person in the world to have gotten you as my spouse”!

How To Treat Her

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
November 1st, 2009
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A young Yeshiva-guy who had gotten recently engaged came to ask the Steipler (Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, 1899- 1985) for advice on how to build a solid Torah home filled with  harmony.

The Steipler told him one rule to always keep in mind. “Until now, you have been in Yeshiva and you sat in your seat and leaned your Gemara on the shtender, portable podium, in front of you. Throughout the day, you moved the shtender around according to where you felt it was most comfortable. Here’s my advice: a wife is not a shtender!”

There is much to learn from this story. Firstly, how sometimes we begin to think that the world revolves around ourselves. Secondly, how to speak to someone on his own level. Thirdly…… I’ll leave it up to you to contemplate…..

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Blessing of Shechiyanu

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
October 21st, 2009
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The question is: why don’t pronounce the blessing of shechiyanu upon getting married? We normally recite it when we attain something new in our lives?

Rav Avraham Pam zt”l provides a beautiful answer to this. Normally, when we buy something new, it has a sweet excitement on the day that we acquired it. However, that freshness and inspiration dwindles every day. Hence, we recite the beracha of shechiyanu at the time of the climax of our feelings of excitement. However, in regards to marriage, the wedding is only the beginning…..

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Sun and Moon

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
September 14th, 2009
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Women and men operate in different ways. To shed some insight, one can contemplate the following.

A women is generally more moved by her heart (Lev, לב) and emotions. This hints to the word Levanah, moon (לבנה).

A man is more prone to operate on logic, his brain (מח). This hints to the word Chammah, sun (חמה).

The numerical value of Chochmah and Binah is 140. This is the same as Chammah and Levanah (140)! Chochmah is straight knowledge (brain). This is the man’s domain. Binah is intuition (heart). This is the woman’s domain.

The moon reflects the sun and the two complement each other. So too we bless the Chosson and Kallah that they should work together by appreciating each other’s strengths and may they have a bright marriage together!

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Equality

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Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
September 7th, 2009
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The Abarbanel (1437-1508, a great Jewish Portuguese philosopher, commentator and statesman) quotes an amazing Midrash about the creation of Chava, the first woman.

Hashem specifically did not create her from Adam’s foot. Since it is the lowest part of the body, he did not want Adam to view her as a lowly servant of his. Hashem also did not create her from a part of his head. He did not want her to tower over him and dominate him.

Rather, He created her from Adam’s rib, a bone found in the middle of the body. This teaches us that Hashem wanted balance and harmony in their marriage.

This Torah thought is not calling for egalitarianism, rather it is stressing the importance of mutual respect, recognition and working together.

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