Close To Torah

It was a security question that would linger in my mind for years to come… While checking in for my first ever El Al flight to Israel, I answered all of the typical security probes. Next came the bonus round. I later found out that El Al was famous     for their Jewish culture questions which they apparently developed for added security purposes.

“Why do you sing Aishes Chayil on Friday night?” the Israeli security officer asked. I’m a Yeshiva guy, I thought, how am I supposed to know this?! Well, I had to come up with something in order to proceed to my gate and so I responded: “I sing it for my mother!” There, now that should prove that I’m not a terrorist! As I walked through customs, the question lingered in my mind; it bothered me that I had nothing intelligent to say and so I made a note-to-self: look into Aishes Chayil. Well, here is what I came up with….

I am so excited about this new series, there is so much beauty and wisdom expressed in King Solomon’s words. Aishes Chayil is a sacred poem that sings the praises of the often unsung heroes of the Jewish nation. Please join me as we strive to uncover and develop the lessons which will inspire us as men, woman and members of the Jewish nation! As you shall soon see, this is a series written for everyone! Sometimes I will express direct applications of ideas and other times I will leave it up to you to determine the meaning that can be applied to your life.

As far as format, I hope to cover one verse per every two to four posts. But to begin I feel that it is important to present a few introductions that will cover some vital underlining themes.

So, why do we sing Aishes Chayil on Friday night?

The simplest answer (sorry El Al, you now have to change your security question) is to show gratitude to the woman of the house who lead the preparations for Shabbos. She is likely tired and over-worked and deserves our sincere thanks!

Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian zt”l (1872-1970) recounted a great mystery which he set out to solve. When he first came to learn under the Alter of Kelm, Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv Broida zt”l (1824-98), he was in awe of the Alter’s wife. Rebbetzin Chaya Leah appeared to be a superwoman! She cooked, cleaned, cared for her three children and at the same time was dedicated to every need of the Yeshiva as well. How did she do so much and maintain her enthusiasm and vigor?!

This enigma was solved the first time that young Eliyahu was invited for a Shabbos meal. When they entered the house after Shul on Friday night, the Alter gave his wife a magnificently warm greeting and enumerated to her all of the appreciation he had for her hard work to organize, cook and care for the family’s needs. She was beaming. After making Kiddish and HaMotzie, the Alter smiled at the Rebbetzin and told her that her Challah was the sweetest and most delicious that he had ever tasted. The pride and joy found on the Rebbetzin’s face explained everything to Rabbi Lopian. When someone feels truly appreciated, recognized and validated, they experience a magical surge of energy that inspires them to continue their great accomplishments. That joy and fulfillment is truly powerful.

So why do you sing Aishes Chayil on Friday night?!

Who is this mysterious woman? When we refer to Aishes Chayil we are quoting from Mishley, Proverbs (Chapter 31, verses 10-31). Shlomo HaMelech wrote this beautiful text as the conclusion of his book of Mishley. It was written with divine inspiration and thus contains true Torah depth.

Who is this song written in reference to? The simple understanding is that Shlomo concluded Mishley talking about his mother (verses 1-9 before Aishes Chayil begins). He stated how dedicated and loving she was and that her advice carried him through life. From there he began the poem of Aishes Chayil, singing her praises and that of all Jewish women.

Other Midrashim and Commentators state that Aishes Chayil refers to the following concepts:

The Shabbos Queen/ Klal Yisrael / The Body and Soul / Eretz Yisrael /Torah / Talmidei Chachomim

Suffice it to say that whatever lofty concept the poem refers to, there is a reason that its simple wording points towards the Jewish woman. She is the embodiment of holiness and greatness.

The Midrash (Socher Tov Mishley 31) states that each phrase refers to a unique and special woman from Jewish history (Sarah through Ruth). I will present this and explain how each verse personifies its specific woman.

A quick reading of the description of Batsheva’s words to Shlomo would make them appear rather pointed and harsh. However, a careful study of them reveals two concepts. The dedication of Shlomo’s mother, and the admonishment and directive for Shlomo to accept responsibility.

Batsheva told him that all of the wives of Dovid prayed that their sons should become King, but my prayer was just that you should grow up to be a true Talmid Chochom. Because her focus was on the true spiritual ideal, this was precisely the reason that Shlomo was chosen to be David’s successor. Sacrifice, care and dedication were part of his intrinsic being. Behind every successful man is an encouraging woman. King Shlomo pays tribute to the woman that first taught him how to truly fear Hashem and be a true Torah Mentsh.

The verse in Mishley (13:1) places the power of success or failure in the realm of the woman. “The wisdom of women builds homes; the foolish woman destroys her home with her hands.” What has always eluded my understanding is firstly, what is the secret wisdom that women possess and secondly, the contrast here seems incongruent. Why does the verse mention that a foolish woman’s hands do the damage, it is obvious that her lack of wisdom is what destroys the home? An understanding of this will shed light on the role of the true Woman of Valor.

After Shifra and Pauh were commanded by Pharaoh to execute all male children that they delivered, they were called in to answer why they had not carried out the edict. They replied that Jewish woman were “חיות, Chayos (Shemos 1:19).” Commentators (other than Rashi) struggle with the explanation of this response. Most state that the word “Chayos” means, “wise.” Targum Yonasan and Targum Yerushalmi fill in the missing details: “The Jewish woman are wise, they cry out to Hashem to help them, and before we even arrive they have already successfully given birth and escaped the decree.”

The wisdom of the woman is her unrelenting faith and commitment to Hashem. This clarity of vision inspires her entire household and holds them together in the most trying times. This was the exact merit of the righteous women that helped the Jews leave Egypt (Sotah 11b). The foolish woman does the exact opposite. She relies on her own strength, her own hands, to carry out things. She does not turn to Hashem for help and guidance. This is the ultimate loss and destruction.

One Gadol recounted how every new zman (semester) he watched how one of the weakest and least serious students always managed to secure the best chavrusa (study partner) in the Yeshiva. One time, he overheard the boy on the phone with his mother and he understood his secret. “Mommy, you can stop crying over your Tehillim now, I got a good chavrusa and this time I am really going to learn well!” Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt”l recounted that it was only the vision of his mother crying as she lit her Shabbos candles, that lingered in his mind and inspired him to pursue a life of purity and greatness that she exposed him to. Rabbi Elezar Shach zt”l said that he remembered the profound impact that his mother had on him when she would remind him to wear his Yarmulka so that he would be a Yarei Shamayim. Rabbi Dessler zt”l recounted how his mother used to wake up Shabbos morning to prepare cake and hot drinks for him to encourage him to learn with his father then. Rabbi Yozel Tzainvert shlit”a, a senior Rav and Tzaddik in Yerushlayim once told me that when he was growing up in the poorest of times in Yerushalayim, his Bubby would give out special sweets on Shavuos and she would tell all of the children, “it is sweet, and Torah is even sweeter!” The emuna and beauty of Torah is brought to life by the wise women.

Chazal tell us that by nature a man has more respect for his mother, because she encourages him with sweet words (Kiddushin 31a). Her sweet and kind encouragement makes deep impressions in a child’s heart.

This now explains why the wisdom is referred to as belonging to women (plural) whereas the foolish woman is described in the singular. Part of the wisdom is the woman’s commitment to draw on the lessons of emuna and strength from the matriarchs and other women. Thus ‘women’ is in plural. The fool, however, sees herself as independent which is precisely her downfall.

The wise women are happy to reveal this secret; they are the shining examples of how to live by it as well!

When beginning this series, I received advice from numerous people about certain quotes from Chazal relating to women and marriage that I should be cautious in presenting. The following one is vital, yet easily misunderstood, so please read this article in its entirety to ensure proper clarity.

Chazal (Tannah D’Bey Eliyahu Rabbah 10:5) define the Aishes Chayil as: “אשה כשירה העושה רצון בעלה, a proper woman follows her husband’s will.” Before the feminists and egalitarians shout, please continue reading! This is one translation of the phrase and it is in fact not entirely correct. This translation does have its application and really applies to the husband as well (as we shall see).

The context in which it is brought down seems odd. The Midrash finished saying how Devorah, the prophetess, told her husband, Barak, that Hashem wanted him to fight the Jewish enemies. He replied that if she accompanied him, he would go and this is what happened. When they were victorious, Devorah sang her famous song together with Barak. The Midrash concludes that the victory came about in the merit of Devorah who was a proper woman that was “עושה רצון בעלה”. What is going on here?! Seemingly, he followed her?!

The Chassam Sofer explains the phrase as, “a good wife knows how to עושה רצון בעלה, change or motivate her husband’s will!” A woman is in a crucial position of influence. She has the power to talk sense into her husband and to penetrate his heart with her words of wisdom. There are numerous sources in Chazal that point to the man as the leader of the marriage (Avodah Zarah 39a) and other sources point to the woman as the most powerful decider (Bereishis Rabbah 17:7). There is no contradiction. Part of marriage is the power of influence. Two people who love and trust each other can exercise heavy positive influence on one another. Dr. John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2004), a foremost relationship expert, lists the directive of “let your spouse influence you” as a fundamental of a proper marriage. When we hear each other’s opinions and validate their feelings, much understanding and growth can be accomplished. Dr. Gottman predicts that marriages lacking this component have an 81% chance of failure.

The Aishes Chayil knows when and how to listen and when and how to share her opinion. Devorah saw that her husband, a man that had no military training, needed a confidence boost to push him to fulfil his duty. Her support and encouragement, despite her own fear of battle, was the strength that influenced him. She showed him that she deeply trusted and believed that he could carry out this difficult directive of Hashem. In fact, only a few short paragraphs later, the Tannah D’Bey Eliyahu Rabbah (1:10) states that Devorah was a wise woman who “built her home on wisdom (Mishley 13, see Introduction 3!)” as she would encourage her husband Barak to bring wicks to the Beis HaMikdash. Her baking and cheer brought the merit for her husband to light up the world through his heroic act to help Klal Yisrael. When each spouse is “עושה רצון, exerts positive influence,” the home is filled with sanctity and happiness.

This is precisely what the Yerushalmi (Berachos 62b) meant by: “A man is incomplete without his wife and a wife is incomplete without her husband. Both are not viable without Hashem!”

The Aishes Chayil is an amazing wife and mother. The Midrash Mishley (31) tells a heart-breaking story of such a woman on the opening verse of Aishes Chayil. The level of greatness that is expressed is very high, however, the lesson can be made relevant to every person.

One fateful Shabbos, Rabbi Meir was teaching Torah in the Shul and his two sons tragically passed away at home. Beruria, Rabbi Meir’s wife, made up her mind not to break the sad news to her husband until after Shabbos. When Rabbi Meir finished havdalah, he inquired as to the whereabouts of his sons. Beruria diverted his attention by posing a halachic question. “Someone gave me a collateral to watch and now he came today to collect it, but I said that I could not return it until I asked my husband. What is your opinion?” Rabbi Meir gently replied, “it’s his property and should be returned immediately.” With that, she showed him the two children that had passed away. Instantly, Rabbi Meir began to weep. Beruria gently reminded him, “remember, Hashem gave us them as a collateral and when He asked for them back we comply….” Rabbi Meir and her mourned together but found comfort with their new perspective.

This story is powerful and may we all be protected from all painful experiences of the such. The Aishes Chayil’s perspective of children is acutely healthy in dealing with them.

Children are in great need of autonomy and personal responsibility. Parents often crowd their children and snuff out their personal space. The “helicopter parent” is one who hovers over their child and tries to get involved in their every move. This is highly unhealthy. Parents are certainly well advised to give support and productive direction to their children. However, this should not be at the expense of the child’s freedom and self-discovery. Often the source of a parent’s over-protective vigilance stems from a misplaced feeling of responsibility and care. The child senses that his best interests are not the motivating factor in the rebuke, but rather it is his mother or father’s vested interests in self-advancement. “Sit down quietly, you’re embarrassing me!” “Put that down, I look like a failure of a parent.”

When parents learn to take a step back and view the child as a precious entrustment from Hashem, their approach is vastly changed. Rabbi Simcha Wasserman zt”l, a profound and expert educator, said it so eloquently, “when a child misbehaves, it’s his problem, not yours!” The Aishes Chayil knows that at the appropriate times, the ability to take a step back, is truly the way to get a step closer to the child!

“Behind every successful man is an encouraging woman.” Rabbi Akiva Eiger zt”l (1761-1837) was certainly no exception to this. After showing great promise as a young scholar, Reb Akiva Eiger was engaged to marry Glicky Margolies at age 14. They married in 1778 and shared the joy of having four wonderful children (Reb Shlomo Eiger, famous continuer of his father’s legacy, Sarah, wife of the Chassam Sofer, Avraham and Shaindel). After 18 years of marriage, Glicky got sick and passed away. Reb Akiva Eiger was 34 at the time and was absolutely devastated.

Shortly thereafter, his deceased wife’s sister and brother-in-law saw that Reb Akiva Eiger was in need of a partner and offered him their daughter’s hand (Briendal Feivelman, age 16) in marriage. In a most powerful letter, he declined for the time being, explaining that he was unable to move forward until he could come to grips with his loss. He subsequently married her 6 months later and when she passed away after 39 years of marriage (and 13 living children), Reb Akiva Eiger could not bear the pain and expired 18 months later at age 75 (September 23, 1837, Posen).

Reb Akiva Eiger (Letter 109) wrote to the Rabbanim who were asked to make the marriage suggestion to him. He described his feelings and appreciation towards his first Aishes Chayil. I have translated large segments of the letter for you to see with your own eyes.

“…How can I answer you (regarding the proposed match), my senses are confused, I cannot concentrate on anything…. I firstly must state that I find this proposal to be slightly insulting to my in-laws who are mourning the loss of their daughter as well (Reb Akiva Eiger’s sensitivity is unbelievable!)… How can I forget the love of the wife of my youth, my pure dove, whom Hashem blessed me with, we produced wonderful children together. She raised them to Torah and Yiras Shamayim, she supported my every effort to study Torah, she cared for my health and sustenance so that I would not be distracted from learning… She walked a son and daughter together with me down the aisle with joy and happiness (this is a strong point, their marriage was enhanced by shared goals and times)… Who will I share my worries with and receive comfort, who will look after and care for me… Who knew her righteousness and modesty more than I? Many times we were up in animated discussions about the topic of Yiras Shamayim until the middle of the night… As you can tell, I am a broken man, in a dark world, I lost all pleasure, I accept Hashem’s decree. I cannot answer any questions now, the tears make me unable to read… I did all that was in my power to care for my wife and now I am weak and in grave danger. I was unable to eat or keep down any food, I could not sleep, thank God some of the medicines helped a little, I could not daven without distraction and could not even learn a simple topic… Even if I were to accept to marry her, it would not be worth anything as I am not considered stable enough to agree…. please give me time to regain my composure and clear thinking….”

In a later letter, Rabbi Eiger expresses his affection for his second wife and the fact that she had gained the adoration of her step children who saw her as a role model of love and Avodas Hashem.

The beautiful and powerful lessons expressed here speak for themselves…. Please join me in the next issue as we explore the first verse of Aishes Chayil….

אֵשֶׁת חַיִל מִי יִמְצָא וְרָחֹק מִפְּנִינִים מִכְרָהּ.

“A woman of valor who could find? She is far more precious than pearls.”

Gold, silver, diamonds, sapphire… There are many precious items in the world, why does the verse specifically compare the Woman of Valor to be more precious than pearls?

To understand, let us examine the construct of a pearl. A pearl is a hard spherical object produced within the soft tissue of an oyster. A pearl is made up of calcium carbonate in minute crystalline form, which has been deposited in concentric layers. The pearl forms inside the oyster as a defense mechanism to a potentially threatening irritant such as a parasite or dirt inside its shell. Its body creates a pearl to seal off the irritation. It deposits layers of a chemical compound called nacre, which makes up mother-of-pearl. What emerges is that if one were to open up the beautiful pearl, you would find a piece of dirt at its center!

In life, everyone has both strong and weak points. The lesson of the pearl is that it too has its beauty and its negative part. The Aishes Chayil is dedicated to seeing the good in things and not being distracted by the bad. She focuses on the beauty of the pearl and not on its speck of dirt. This focus allows her to nurture the strengths of those around her and bring out the beauty of life while instilling happiness and satisfaction in her home.

Rabbi Chaim Volozin zt”l (1749-1821) explains the verse (Mishlei 27:19): “As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another.” Each person has strengths and weaknesses. The right hand represents strength (most people are righties); the left hand represents weakness (most people’s left hand is weaker). When I stand directly face to face with you and hold out my right hand, it reaches for your parallel hand which is your left. When I stick out my left hand, it touches your right hand which is opposite me. This hints to human nature which is that one’s right hand (strong focus)  often goes for another person’s left hand (his weaknesses); one’s minor focus (left hand) often gives minimal attention to another’s positive strengths (right hand).

All this is true except in one case: When you look in the mirror! There, one stretches out his right hand and touches his own right hand reflecting. One stretches out his left hand and touches his own left. This represents the fact that our own focus (right hand) is on our personal strengths and our left hand (minimal focus) meekly touches the left (our weaknesses). Rabbi Volozin explains that when we love and respect someone we fulfill this verse, it is as if we are looking in the mirror and all we focus on is their strengths and positive aspects!

אֵשֶׁת חַיִל מִי יִמְצָא וְרָחֹק מִפְּנִינִים מִכְרָהּ

“A woman of valor who could find? She is far more precious than pearls.”

Two of the hardest words to translate in this entire song are the words: Aishes Chayil! Here are a few of the commentators words:

Industrious and honest woman (Metzudos), rich woman (Ibn Ezra), protective wife (Vilna Goan), proper and kosher woman (Targum), woman with multitudes of Mitzvos (Alshich), refined in character (Meiri). Can we tie all of this together?

The Vilna Goan point out that the numerical value of the word חַיִל is 48. This hints to the Mishna in Avos (6:6) which states that the Torah is acquired with 48 keys. Some of them include: learning well, respecting friends, happiness, serenity, interacting with Torah Scholars, etc. The ultimate goal of a Torah marriage is to bring out the beauty and ideals of the Torah. The opening verse of Aishes Chayil paints the picture of a woman who embodies this ideal and passionately dedicates herself to the rooting of Torah values in her home. This is the common denominator of all the above listed attributes. The Torah teaches one how to be hard working, refined and happy with their possessions (Who is rich? One who is happy with what they have [Avos 4:1]!)

The Midrash (Mishley 31) states that Hashem provides great people with great spouses. It goes on to list many great Jewish woman throughout history. Our present verse is said to refer to both Avraham and Sarah. “They were both equal in their charity and kind deeds. Naamah the wife of Noach was equal to Noach in her deeds and kind acts as well and thus she was also saved from the Flood.” I believe that what is being expressed here are two things. Firstly, the greatness of a couple working together. Secondly, both Avraham and Noach had a similar life challenge. They lived in a decadent world that denied Hashem. Yet, they together with their great wives, built a safe-haven and lived according to truth, justice and kindness, and that is more precious and hard to find than the most rare pearl! The dedication to truth despite all external influences is the strength of the Woman of Valor.

The word V’Rachok (eujru) is spelled without a Vav (וְרָחֹק) unlike the way it normally appears in Tanach. This chasser, diminished format, signifies a diminishing of force. I believe it is to signify that for a woman to achieve the greatness underlined in these verses it takes great effort, however, she must recognize that it can be achieved. The verse is expressing that “it is further (וְרָחֹק) difficult to reach greatness than it is to find a rare pearl, but it is not completely impossible (eujru)! Any person who sets his or her eyes on achieving greatness will be helped by Hashem to succeed!

בָּטַח בָּהּ לֵב בַּעְלָהּ וְשָׁלָל לֹא יֶחְסָר

“Her husband’s heart trusts in her; he shall lack no fortune.”

One of the most important components of any healthy relationship is trust. This is certainly the theme here. The first word of the Torah is “Bereishis” which begins with the letter Beis. The Kesubah, wedding document, specifically begins with a Beis as well (B’Echad B’Shabbos, etc.). Chazal tell us that the Torah did not begin with the letter Alef, but rather Beis was chosen because of its faithfulness and humility. Alef is the first letter of the Aseres HaDibros and begins the word “Anochi- I”, this is what is meant in Chazal that Alef can sometimes be Arur- a curse. The focus of I, ego, can be damaging in a relationship. The Beis however represents Berachah, blessing, as it focuses on the relationship between two people, represented by its numerical plurality.

What is utterly fascinating here is that the Zohar states that the letter Beis begins the first two words of the Torah to give it prominence (“Bereishis Barah”). This is found precisely in this Possuk and in the Kesubah as well. Their first two words both begin with Beis!

My dear Rebbe, Rabbi Asher Zelig Rubenstein shlit”a, shared that he once heard the following conversation and found it to be extremely powerful. “Yaakov, where is your car?”, asked Dovid. “I gave it to my wife to drive today.” “Are you kidding Yaakov, you trust her with your car?!” “Dovid, if I trust her with my life, I certainly can trust her with a simple car….!” This perspective is exactly what the verse is expressing. The Aishes Chayil and her husband have a deep and meaningful relationship founded on mutual respect and trust.

Now it is clear why Rashi explains that the end of the verse states that the couple will be blessed with prosperity in this world and the next. With such deep trust and admiration, they have achieved the ultimate greatness in life!

בָּטַח בָּהּ לֵב בַּעְלָהּ וְשָׁלָל לֹא יֶחְסָר.

“Her husband’s heart trusts in her; he shall lack no fortune.”

The Midrash (Mishley 31) states that this verse specifically refers to Sarah. How so? When Avraham and Sarah went down to Egypt, Avraham instructed Sarah to say that she was his sister because he knew that if he introduced himself as her husband, he would have been killed in order that they could take her. Sarah complied with the request and Avraham was given great honor and rewards for bringing a beautiful woman into the country. Additionally, after Pharaoh was reprimanded by Hashem for taking Sarah, he sent them away with large gifts. Hence, the verse states that Avraham trusted Sarah and ended up with many rewards!

There are numerous ideas being expressed here, but they hide behind some strong questions. Firstly, what did Sarah do that was so great, any wife would comply to prevent her husband from being killed? Secondly, the commentators collectively ponder the contradiction in that Avraham refused to take money from Sedom so that they wouldn’t say that they made Avraham rich, yet he took the gifts from both Pharaoh and Avimelech in the two incidents in which they returned Sarah to him?

The answer lies in Sarah’s complete and utter devotion to her husband. It was her deep faith in Avraham and all that he stood for that lead her to comply, not out of the sake of saving his life, but for the sole reason that she knew that he was telling her to fulfill the exact will of Hashem. The greatness is not in what she did, but in how and why she did it. Indeed, the Midrash states that because Sarah was unable to be touched by Pharaoh, her female descendants in Egypt, a few generations later, were protected from their Egyptian masters. Sarah instilled a passion for following Hashem despite all adversity.

When Avraham fought against the four kings and won the property of Sedom back, he was the one that was rightfully entitled to it. He chose to forgo that privilege. But even in that case, he did tell the king of Sedom that he was required to pay rewards to Avraham’s soldiers who were also deserving of the spoils and whom he had no right to speak for. In the case of the gifts of Pharaoh and Avimelech, they came on behalf of Sarah. Avraham saw the gifts as a way to grow in his appreciation for all the good that Sarah brought into his life. This he had no right to pass up on.

Sarah’s dedication for her husband was reciprocated and appreciated. Avraham was well aware of that which Hashem told him, “listen to Sarah your wife, for she is a greater prophet than you! (Bereishis 21:12)”