Close To Torah

חגרה בעוז מתניה ותאמץ זרועתיה.

“She girds her loins with strength; she invigorates her arms.”

The Aishes Chayil is a champion par excellence! She finds ways to keep her motivation strong. When she feels that she is waning, she rekindles the inspiration. This is the secret trick of true winners. Everyone starts off with inspiration, but with time the newness dies down. The diet and exercise regime can be kept for a few days, but then the excitement wears off and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain. Often we want to work on our character traits and we begin to do so, only to feel our inspiration dwindling after a mere few days. The trick is to remain focused and strong. When someone fights through the hard times, he will rekindle the passion, even more powerfully than what was there in the first place. This is because Chazal tell us, “all beginnings are difficult.” Therefore, Hashem gives us a boost when we start something new to jump start us and to allow us to start with a bang! The feelings of excitement should be harnessed and used to their fullest until they are no longer available. The next step is hard work, the process of true internalization and working towards the goal that was set. If one follows this through, he will reach a level of self-fulfillment and satisfaction that surpasses the original feelings of excitement that propelled and empowered the pursuit in the first place.

The Aishes Chayil knows that marriage is a most beautiful gift from Hashem. She also has the deep understanding that it is a process that must be nurtured and developed. Hashem created a tremendous joy when someone learns that they are pregnant. The start is exciting and enjoyable. However, this is followed by nine months of intense pain in the back, stomach, head, morning and afternoon sickness, stress, worry, and all sorts of painful feelings. Holding strong in these times develops feelings of love and affection for the baby inside and brings one closer to Hashem. The process of birth is the painful climax of the nine months that preceded, yet paradoxically, many women describe it as the most meaningful, inspirational, intimate moment in their lives. She held strong to her goal and now she has brought a beautiful life into the world. The inspiration and depth of accomplishment is hers to savor and experience. Marriage works the same way. When the couple works to maintain their love and appreciation for one another, they reach higher and deeper levels of connection and joy.

All good things work the same way. A goal is set and the inspiration comes. Then the challenges and difficulties set in. The wise person holds strong to their ideals and finds the inner strength and a support system with which to get through this. The end result is the acquisition of a new level and a profoundly real taste of success. This is what the Aishes Chayil teaches her family.

The Parshiyos of Acharey Mos and Kedoshim discuss the prohibition of illicit relations. Chazal tell us that one’s heart is strongly lured after this sin. Let us learn a lesson from how three great people fought against their natural human desires and achieved greatness.

The Gemara in Sanhedrin (19b) tells us of three men who were put to the test and came out victorious. They were Yosef (tempted by the wife of Potifar), Paltiel (King Shaul made him sleep in the house with his daughter Michal, who was truthfully married to David at the time) and Boaz (who desired Rus before actually marrying her). The Sefer HaChaim finds a hint in their names as to how the Yetzer Hara, Evil Inclination, operates.

Boaz- means that the Evil Inclination has much strength to destroy us!

Yosef- means that the Yetzer Hara continually grows bigger and increasingly stronger every day.

Paltiel- means that with the help of God, one can save himself!

Additionally, he shows that the first letters of their three names spell the word: בפי (בועז פלטיאל יוסף), which means, “in their mouth”. This hints to the words in Shabbos davening, בפי ישרים תתהלל, God is praised by the mouth of the honest ones. What does this signify?! Understanding this, I believe, will shed vital light on how to fight the Yetzer Hara.

Chazal tell us a common denominator between how those three people were able to overcome their temptations. At the peak of their desire, they all did one thing in order to assure that they would not sin. What was that? They made a vow to Hashem and professed their commitment to Him! They declared, “I am faithful to You Hashem and I will not sin!” This is בפי, by their mouths!

One may ask, why was this necessary, would not their intellectual resolve alone suffice to steer them away from the evil? The answer is that surely the mind must resolve to fight the challenge, however, only with a verbal commitment can one strengthen the mind’s decision!

The Ramban writes a beautiful principle that can be used to steer away from evil and even more so to pursue virtue. He translates the verse in Shir HaShirim homiletically, “אם תעירו ואם תעוררו את האהבה עד שתחפץ”, if you feel love for Hashem, then express it in the physical domain (תחפץ means to make it physical)! Grab a fruit and make a berachah, sit down and learn some Torah! When the love is expressed in the physical world and is manifested by the body, it crystallizes and becomes real.

A couple came to Rabbi Meir Simcha HaCohen of Divinsk, the famous author of the Ohr Sameach, asking him to arrange for their divorce, as they had concluded that they could not work out their bitter differences. He sat with them for hours talking everything through and showed them how indeed their marriage could be saved and would thrive. Finally, their faces lit up as they saw in their hearts that happiness together awaited them. “Rabbi,” they both said, “we are ready to make this work, we want to stay together!” “Great!” he responded, “then you will succeed! Now we must dance as if we are at your wedding!” Immediately they stood up and the Rabbi and the Chosson and Kallah danced around his dining room table! The room was filled with joy!

R’ Meir Simcha recognized that the newfound feelings would become real when they would be expressed by a dance!

So too in life, if we are given a challenge and muster up the intellectual commitment to overcome it, then we should express this commitment verbally! When we find ourselves inspired to grow to become better people, we should look for a vehicle of expression that can be immediately implemented by our body! We can write it down, start doing it immediately and express it. This is the way of our great people, utilizing the physical to internalize the inspiration!

ויהי אומן את הדסה היא אסתר בת דודו כי אין לה אב ואם והנערה יפת תואר וטובת מראה ובמות אביה ואמה לקחה מרדכי לו לבת (אסתר ב:ז)

He (Mordechai) raised Hadassah, who was Esther… for she had no parents; the girl (Esther) possessed a beautiful appearance… and when her parents died, Mordechai took her as his daughter (Esther 2:7).

We have discussed (see Part 1) the idea of “Bas” and “Bayis.” Chazal tell us that Mordechai married Esther and together they built their Jewish home. There are two more beautiful lessons which I would like to develop based on this verse. They pertain to Hadassah and Bayis.

Why Call Her Hadassah?

What was her name? Throughout the entire Megillah, she is called Esther, except for one place. The very first time that the Megillah talks about our hero, she is named Hadassah! The Gemara (Megillah 13a) disputes which of the two names was primary. Nevertheless, both opinions must explain why the name Hadassah is used to introduce her? What is going on here? Also, why is she called by a name which translates as “myrtle,” and why is she called this specifically in the verse that hints to her marriage?

It also must be noted that we find the same occurrence by Haman. The first time that he is referred to, according to Chazal, is in the first Chapter of Esther, when a brazen advisor named “Memuchan” speaks before his superiors. That Memuchan was none other than Haman. That is the first and last time that he is called by that name. How do we explain this as well?

Wife is Bayis

Chazal tell us that the word “bayis, house,” hints to marriage. We find this same idea expressed in Shabbos (118b), “Rebbe Yosi stated that he never referred to his wife as “wife,” rather, he called her, ‘my house’.” What is going on here?

The Wedding Ring

In order to understand what is being expressed here we must first examine the rationale behind an interesting custom at the wedding ceremony. The Chasson, groom, stands under the Chupah canopy together with his Kallah, bride, and in front of two witnesses he recites his declaration of marriage and then places the ring on her finger. With her acceptance, they are now married. Customarily, he places the ring specifically upon her index (pointer) finger. Why is this so? Now, it certainly does not invalidate the marriage if he were to place it on any other finger or even in her palm, however, how do we understand this preferred custom? Why we do not tell him to place the ring upon her “ring finger” as would seem more logical?

Now, truth be told, the simplest reason is just a practicality. The witnesses need to see the placement of the ring upon her and the easiest finger to stretch out in clear view is certainly her pointer! But there is more depth here as well, as we shall see.

Fingers and Senses

Rabbeinu Bechayeh (Parshas Tzav) teaches us that the five fingers correspond to the five senses that we possess. More so, each finger is naturally drawn to the sense which it represents. Try to guess them yourself before you read on! Here is his list in summary:

1-Thumb: corresponds to taste (mouth). (There have been babies in their mother’s womb who were observed sucking their thumbs!)

2-Index (Pointer): corresponds to smell (nose!) This one is well known!

3-Middle: corresponds to touch. Since it is the longest finger, it can reach and touch the furthest parts of the body.

4-Ring: corresponds to sight. Many wipe their eyes with this finger.

5-Pinky: corresponds to the ear and hearing. This one is also well understood!

Bearing this in mind, we now have a key to understanding fingers.

The Pointer of God

When Hashem performed the miracles in Egypt, the Egyptians called them “Etzbah Elokim, the index finger of God.” What is the significance?

Four of the senses are all physical in their nature. We use taste, touch, sight and hearing to receive pleasure from this world. The sense of smell is the most spiritual from all of them. Chazal (Berachos 43b) state that a pleasure that only the soul benefits from is that of smell! It has spiritual connections. Hashem blew into Adam’s nostrils to give him life. This was how his Neshamah, soul, was installed into his body. Thus, smell represents pure spirituality.

Hence, when the Egyptians realized that the miracles were not mere Kishuf, earthly evil black-magic, but rather emanating from the True Spiritual Source, they acknowledged this. They called the plagues by the term of the index finger, the finger linked to the sense of smell, the most spiritual element! They recognized the spiritual element of Hashem’s actions in the world. When we remove wine from our cups on Pesach night upon mentioning the ten plagues, this is the reason that we do so utilizing our pointer!

The Marriage Finger

Now we understand why the wedding ring is placed on the pointer. When a man gets married he can do so for many reasons. His focus could be spiritual or physical. He may be marrying for his own personal lustful reasons, to satisfy his nerve endings and desires. Or he can approach matrimony with dignity, respect and holiness, recognizing the great spirituality involved. This is certainly the best outlook. Thus, our custom is that he begins the marriage by focusing on her pointer finger, the finger representing smell and spiritual growth, showing that he is marrying her in recognition of her spiritual qualities and will grow together with her in their pursuit of closeness to Hashem! He certainly cannot deny her beauty, indeed, that is a gift from Hashem meant to be appreciated, but his priorities are in order and his goals are properly balanced.

Those that get married utilizing the ring finger are expressing a different outlook. That finger corresponds to his eyes and sight. Following one’s eyes is the most dangerous method to utilize when choosing a life’s partner. That method begins with much lust and excitement but fizzles out disappointingly fast! Only one who focuses on qualities and growth can achieve marital happiness and success, with proper effort and sensitivity.

Grand Appearance

The first time that a name is expressed shows the person’s essence. Haman is called “Memuchan” when we meet him, a name that Chazal (Megillah 12b) translate as “awaiting punishment.” Throughout the Megillah, everything that Haman arranged in order to destroy Mordechai and the Jews, was ultimately one big contribution and lead up to his own destruction. This was his essence, clearly expressed by the name Memuchan.

The True Hadassah

Hadassah was Esther’s essence. She was a sweet smelling fragrant Hadassah, myrtle, connected to Hashem and dedicated to growth. This was who she proved herself to be throughout the entire story as she sacrificed herself to save her Jewish brethren. She was a truly spiritually focused person, hence her original name expressed fragrant aroma, to connote her spiritual beauty.

How apropos that she should be called this name specifically in the verse that discusses her marriage to Mordechai! The verse is testifying to the great spiritual focus which they built their relationship upon. This is the very plan and advice of the Torah for a meaningful relationship. Now we understand why she is called Hadassah.

Same as Bayis!

And now for the Bayis! Chazal (Kesubos 17a) tell us that Rebbe Yehuda bar Ila’ah would dance before the Kallah with branches of Hadas, myrtle! Also, Reb Achah would lift up the Kallah and carry her on his shoulders! His students asked him if they could copy his custom. He replied, “if she is like a wooden beam in your eyes, then it is permissible for you to do this as well!”

With all that we explained, it is delightfully clear as to why the myrtle branch was present at the weddings! This expresses the focus upon the sense of smell, holiness and spirituality that we imbue our marriage with!

Building Beam

What is the lesson of Reb Achah and his wooden beam parallel? The lesson based upon the Maharsha is that many see women as objects of desire and sexual lure. This is not the proper Torah view. A woman is a partner in building a home for Hashem. This was precisely what Reb Achah wished to express. Just as a wooden beam is the support of the entire house, so too “the wisdom of a woman builds her home” (Mishley 14). We strive to view our wife as a partner in building and growth!

“My House”

Finally, this is what Rebbe Yosi meant by referring to his wife as “my home”. He acknowledged her power of building and her spiritual insight that inspired him and their children to grow! A woman has tremendous power to inspire others and help permeate her home with the holy presence of Hashem. Together, man and woman can accomplish this. One who gears their focus on these elevated spiritual ideals will find much happiness and fulfillment. Indeed, even their everyday physical experiences will become more enjoyable as they are infused with true connection and service of Hashem!